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Mon, Mar. 20th, 2006, 12:01 am
A Farewell To Blogs or I Will Fight No More, Forever

The only thing I've come to understand is that the more I think I understand, the less I really know. No matter how hard I try, or how much I blog, what I say, what I don't say, people really only hear the parts they want to hear and they discard the rest. I have people who read my blog and suddenly think they 'know' me and really they don't understand the first thing about me. I find this is a universal truth, that the more you think you really understand any one subject, the further you are from it.

You can never really know anyone other than yourself.

You can never understand someone or something so completely.

It's really silly for me to keep trying to be heard. I shouted, and the only people who heard me were the ones who felt like shouting themselves. I whispered, and the only people who heard me were the ones who also whispered. And they never really heard me, they heard the echo of themselves.

This paradox runs both ways. I am guilty of the sin of being human, if that can be called a sin, if sin is a thing that does in fact exist.

It was an impossible crusade of mine, the one in which I found people who accepted me fully, not just the parts they agreed with about me... who chose to love all of me instead of half while ignoring the other half. It was an impossible task, trying to make myself understood, trying to show others that this fight is worth fighting. The energy involved and expended was daunting, and those who at least got that this WAS a crusade simply asked me how long did I think I was going to keep up this one-woman army, anyway?

My answer, then as always, was: for as long as I can. I will fight until it's okay to be whoever you are, nearly wherever you are, or until I can't find the energy and drive to keep fighting.

I knew it couldn't last forever, but I made a good run of it.

Along this journey I've had my character tested over and over, in the virtual world and in real life. In the boxing ring of life, I score myself a TKO perhaps, that maybe I dealt no winning stellar blows but I was still standing at the end of it all and I landed more than my fair share of punches. In the end, perhaps that was all I was really asking for.

I used to think that if I sent the word out far enough, maybe someone would 'get it' way out in the ether. Maybe I would find one other person, just like me, who was a kindred soul. I found many people who had a few similarities, and usually I found people who were nothing at all like me but who thought I might be like them (even though I wasn't) and that one day I would wake up and 'discover' our kindred-ness. I am nothing like you people, and you are nothing like me. What's more, you are nothing like each other. There are no two souls alike and where we touch is often at a single point of connection... from there you find out all the thousands of little places where you don't touch.

I don't expect anyone to understand, although I expect that some of you will understand a little and be confused about the rest and that some of you will think you understand me perfectly... you will be the people who understand me least of all.

I think I've run out of the things I want to say to you. There were good things that came out of this weblog and bad things as well, and the ride was interesting but I think it's drawing to a close. I have no answers now but I do have many more questions.

God bless you all, and if there is no God then I bless you, and hope even better that you will want to bless yourselves. If there's any one thing I can say that I hope you will actually hear and adhere to it is this:

Fix your own mistakes, if you can, and try to ignore the mistakes of others, and allow them to fix their own mistakes without your help.

I love you all, as much as I can, and I don't understand any of you. The less I try to understand, the more I appreciate about you. Take care of yourselves. It's a wild, wild world out there.


Wed, Mar. 22nd, 2006 04:37 am (UTC)
jadxia: here if you want to talk

about something, life changing or not.

(from Paris, who left email which I censored from public)

Wed, Mar. 22nd, 2006 04:38 am (UTC)
jadxia: Reply from 3D

Writing, just like life, is ultimately a selfish endeavor. As a form of self-expression, it's right there in the title... "self." It's cathartic. It's intellectual exhibitionism for the sake of being an exhibitionist. If you touch someone in the process, give them insight they might otherwise never have gleaned, or expand their horizons, so much the better, but that can never be the ultimate goal. If it is, you're asking yourself to achieve that which you have no control over, and never can. Your control ends where the words leave your mind, travel to your fingertips, and spill out onto the page. Coming out of you the words are purely you. Entering someone else they become partly theirs by virtue of their unique interpretation, influenced by their own experiences and idiom. Never stop writing. Never stop expressing yourself. Never stop pouring the words from your talented fingertips. Just give yourself permission to fail at working miracles. True connection isn't about finding a twin, or gaining psychic powers, or anything of the kind... it's about accepting people for who they are, not just to you but to themselves, even though you'll never see exactly what that is, and loving them for it anyway. It's also about accepting your own reflection in the imprefect mirror of their perception.

Thank you for sharing yourself with the rest of us, however imperfect all of us may be. For the record, in my idiom, you rock.

Thu, Mar. 23rd, 2006 01:40 am (UTC)
(Anonymous): well written

You described your reasons perfectly.
(Deleted comment)

Wed, Jul. 16th, 2008 01:14 pm (UTC)
jadxia: Yes, but then they can't call you

and that makes all the difference. In fact, I stopped 'living with my phone' not so long ago, and I am much better pleased by the occasional email which I can answer (or not) at a time that suits me.

It helps that I also switched my phone number and only gave the new one out to family and a few close friends that I deemed had a necessary reason for immediate access to me.

I used to be 100% accessible, all the time. But those friends of mine who I wished had called to disturb me (in hospital, nervous breakdowns, stranded, etc.) said they didn't 'want to bother me' while those who did call me after hours were usually drunk-dialing.

I don't mind most avid bloggers. By avid, I mean those really dedicated to blogging who have stood the test of time. They tend to be intelligent and witty conversationists, even if they talk about things I don't understand or have no personal interest. It's the newbies and blogger dilettantes that can drive me batty, but these folk exist in every occupation known to man. In fact, this inspires me to write a new post...

Thu, Mar. 23rd, 2006 06:03 am (UTC)
(Anonymous): Thanks

I've been addicted to this blog for many months. Why? Because you opened up, bared your soul, and let us into your world - the good, the bad and the ugly. Maybe we didn't "get you" - maybe no one ever will. That's the Human Condition however and I'd say we're all victims of that. Reading your blog was frustrating, entertaing, humourous, but most of all inspiring. Despite all the problems you have had both past and present, you kept blogging - kept reaching out to the world. Almost every day you posted something - sometimes more than once a day. I wondered what gave you the strength and dedication to keep it up. It served as a daily personal motivator to see your new posts. For that I say thank you. We might not have been able to help you but feel assured that your efforts were not a waste. Good luck Jade - and remember you can always change your mind and come back to blogging. I'd love to hear of all your future successes.

- A loyal reader

Fri, Mar. 24th, 2006 12:39 am (UTC)
(Anonymous): WOW

I loved this post. It is so true and sad. Thank you for this...I wish all bloggers could read this post. Thank you.

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006 06:42 am (UTC)
(Anonymous): Re: WOW

Though you said you were not making any entries, the eternally hopefull that I am constantly read this daily in hopes that in a moment of weakness you will be tempted beyond self control to write a few words. Hoping pretty one...

Thu, Apr. 6th, 2006 03:32 am (UTC)
jadxia: Re: WOW

Gotta wait for the book folks!! I'm working hard on it among other things. When it's done, I'll probably come back to blogging.

Mon, Mar. 17th, 2008 12:57 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous): Hello all I'm new here !

Just wanted to say Hello to everyone.
Much to read and learn here, I'm sure I will enjoy !

Mon, Jan. 17th, 2011 10:43 am (UTC)
(Anonymous): painter 11

Best article, lots of intersting things to digest. Very informative

Mon, Jan. 17th, 2011 11:51 pm (UTC)
(Anonymous): provides access

The stories are like reflections of what I am going through in my life…and these did make me realize my mistakes and what steps do I need to take….