The only thing I've come to understand is that the more I think I understand, the less I really know. No matter how hard I try, or how much I blog, what I say, what I don't say, people really only hear the parts they want to hear and they discard the rest. I have people who read my blog and suddenly think they 'know' me and really they don't understand the first thing about me. I find this is a universal truth, that the more you think you really understand any one subject, the further you are from it.
You can never really know anyone other than yourself.
You can never understand someone or something so completely.
It's really silly for me to keep trying to be heard. I shouted, and the only people who heard me were the ones who felt like shouting themselves. I whispered, and the only people who heard me were the ones who also whispered. And they never really heard me, they heard the echo of themselves.
This paradox runs both ways. I am guilty of the sin of being human, if that can be called a sin, if sin is a thing that does in fact exist.
It was an impossible crusade of mine, the one in which I found people who accepted me fully, not just the parts they agreed with about me... who chose to love all of me instead of half while ignoring the other half. It was an impossible task, trying to make myself understood, trying to show others that this fight is worth fighting. The energy involved and expended was daunting, and those who at least got that this WAS a crusade simply asked me how long did I think I was going to keep up this one-woman army, anyway?
My answer, then as always, was: for as long as I can. I will fight until it's okay to be whoever you are, nearly wherever you are, or until I can't find the energy and drive to keep fighting.
I knew it couldn't last forever, but I made a good run of it.
Along this journey I've had my character tested over and over, in the virtual world and in real life. In the boxing ring of life, I score myself a TKO perhaps, that maybe I dealt no winning stellar blows but I was still standing at the end of it all and I landed more than my fair share of punches. In the end, perhaps that was all I was really asking for.
I used to think that if I sent the word out far enough, maybe someone would 'get it' way out in the ether. Maybe I would find one other person, just like me, who was a kindred soul. I found many people who had a few similarities, and usually I found people who were nothing at all like me but who thought I might be like them (even though I wasn't) and that one day I would wake up and 'discover' our kindred-ness. I am nothing like you people, and you are nothing like me. What's more, you are nothing like each other. There are no two souls alike and where we touch is often at a single point of connection... from there you find out all the thousands of little places where you don't touch.
I don't expect anyone to understand, although I expect that some of you will understand a little and be confused about the rest and that some of you will think you understand me perfectly... you will be the people who understand me least of all.
I think I've run out of the things I want to say to you. There were good things that came out of this weblog and bad things as well, and the ride was interesting but I think it's drawing to a close. I have no answers now but I do have many more questions.
God bless you all, and if there is no God then I bless you, and hope even better that you will want to bless yourselves. If there's any one thing I can say that I hope you will actually hear and adhere to it is this:
Fix your own mistakes, if you can, and try to ignore the mistakes of others, and allow them to fix their own mistakes without your help.
I love you all, as much as I can, and I don't understand any of you. The less I try to understand, the more I appreciate about you. Take care of yourselves. It's a wild, wild world out there.