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Fri, Jul. 6th, 2012, 07:24 pm
GamePlan for Wellness

So it's been a real toughie today trying to motivate myself from the past couple of weeks (in which I have done NOTHING positive and spent quite a bit of time crying, curled up in bed, or drowning my pain in various compulsive behaviors). I'd already established the things I need to work on to develop into the more stable, yet still creative, person I want to be.

When I feel POWERLESS, I get ENRAGED.
When I feel USELESS, I get DEPRESSED.
When I feel NEGLECTED or IGNORED, I go completely BERSERK.

So in addition to those aspects which I will need to work on, I also need to take care of BASIC MAINTENANCE, like things around the house and other positive life-goals, and COPING SKILLS, specifically ones that don't involve compulsive behaviors (drinking, drugs, cutting, shopping, or other self-harming behaviors). I have a real need to punish myself on a regular basis and that is something truly hard to address. I blame my parents.

That's basically five categories I want to address every day if I can, with Saturdays being a rest day to include some basic meditation. I feel like I am biting off almost more than I can chew. Maybe I am. It's hard to clear the psyche when one is also suffering from a condition that causes chronic fatigue, and I know that I am famous for taking on more than I can handle until I just break down and self-destruct.

To deal with feelings of powerlessness, I have embarked on an exercise and stretch class regime which will last until I am officially able to enter the PTSD program (which will negate most stretch classes, but not exercise in general). I am also learning Spanish, because knowledge is power.

To deal with feelings of uselessness, once a week I will volunteer at HIPS.
To deal with feelings of neglect, I will visit my therapist once a week and we will work on my attachment issues together.

Basic maintenance will include grooming, medication, one healthy meal per day (I can't manage to cook everything from scratch, but I can probably do one a day), and one chore around the house each day. I have downloaded samples of many books involving compulsive harmful behaviors (I know, I know, how can one combat compulsive shopping by shopping?) and I plan to work on said books a little at a time each day.

Now here comes the hard part. I'm great at the shopping and better at the planning, but pretty piss-poor when it comes to the actual execution. Time to go.

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Sat, Jul. 7th, 2012 03:53 am (UTC)
jadxia

Now my OCD is carrying me away. Devised a weekly schedule and system of 'achievement metrics' between 9-11 units each day (units being approximately one hour of work) along with 3 'bonus' fields (sobriety/no compulsive behavior/misc. extras).

Of course, I will have to gradually work into this, but it's an endgoal and it a good way for me to show myself what I've accomplished in a day.