So it's been a real toughie today trying to motivate myself from the past couple of weeks (in which I have done NOTHING positive and spent quite a bit of time crying, curled up in bed, or drowning my pain in various compulsive behaviors). I'd already established the things I need to work on to develop into the more stable, yet still creative, person I want to be.
When I feel POWERLESS, I get ENRAGED.
When I feel USELESS, I get DEPRESSED.
When I feel NEGLECTED or IGNORED, I go completely BERSERK.
So in addition to those aspects which I will need to work on, I also need to take care of BASIC MAINTENANCE, like things around the house and other positive life-goals, and COPING SKILLS, specifically ones that don't involve compulsive behaviors (drinking, drugs, cutting, shopping, or other self-harming behaviors). I have a real need to punish myself on a regular basis and that is something truly hard to address. I blame my parents.
That's basically five categories I want to address every day if I can, with Saturdays being a rest day to include some basic meditation. I feel like I am biting off almost more than I can chew. Maybe I am. It's hard to clear the psyche when one is also suffering from a condition that causes chronic fatigue, and I know that I am famous for taking on more than I can handle until I just break down and self-destruct.
To deal with feelings of powerlessness, I have embarked on an exercise and stretch class regime which will last until I am officially able to enter the PTSD program (which will negate most stretch classes, but not exercise in general). I am also learning Spanish, because knowledge is power.
To deal with feelings of uselessness, once a week I will volunteer at HIPS.
To deal with feelings of neglect, I will visit my therapist once a week and we will work on my attachment issues together.
Basic maintenance will include grooming, medication, one healthy meal per day (I can't manage to cook everything from scratch, but I can probably do one a day), and one chore around the house each day. I have downloaded samples of many books involving compulsive harmful behaviors (I know, I know, how can one combat compulsive shopping by shopping?) and I plan to work on said books a little at a time each day.
Now here comes the hard part. I'm great at the shopping and better at the planning, but pretty piss-poor when it comes to the actual execution. Time to go.