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Sun, Jul. 15th, 2012, 01:44 am
Today's Check-In (Saturday)

Spent most of today in the kitchen as planned, and if I'm responsible I should spend most of tomorrow doing paperwork, disability and otherwise. My inbox is two cardboard storage boxes full of papers hoarded over the years; if I can find a way to sit comfortably after surgery I could make a real impact while I'm convalescing.

Got totally stressed out since I haven't found anyone to be with me on that second surgical recovery week that AgtOrange might not be around. Freaked out at the bar, crying, and then realized it was the start of my 'danger week' because I don't get that upset for anything unless I'm also PMS'ing. My last minute backup was to have Sis fly up, and when I called her she said my Bro was coming down to visit her that week, and Pops had already paid for the plane ticket. That's when I pretty much lost it. I'd been calling various people and coming up empty (or getting solid voicemails and no return calls). All my unemployed friends are magically getting jobs, except 3D whose house is being foreclosed on (thus rendering him unavailable to assist me either). My bartender has offered for the two days she is free (I need someone for five days) but I have been around the industry too long to want to take her up on it. Having a bartender get up early in the morning to help you out is pure torture and I don't want to inflict that upon my friends.

"Fuck it," Sis said. "If you need me I'll just fly up there when Bro flies down. He can visit with Mom and OlderSis and be mad at me if he wants to. It's not like I'm just going up for a visit. If you need me, you need me." Because my Sis is awesome like that. I would really like to just hang out with her for a week, minus all the distractions, even if AgtOrange does end up available to help me that second week. I miss having family around, just not enough to move to Alabama.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • grooming (done)
  • meal (I attempted to caramelize a batch of onions and roast some garlic, but I ended up burning the batch. Also cut my finger badly slicing onions, which is what happens when you forget that you are on meds. Had a fresh fruit smoothie with breakfast; for dinner made an awesome meal of honey-mustard pecan-crusted chicken strips, crunchy fried green beans, and baked beets. Had to wear a glove over my hand while doing everything; it kept wanting to bleed. Also made Trouble's favorite cookies (chocolate chocolate chip) for the first time, on account every day this week he has found out another friend of his has died. The best I could do was baked goods.)
  • Spanish (did most of it, the stuck saga continues, I just make too many errors to move up)
  • meditation (started, but then AgtOrange started telling me about some story with Elon Musk and I never got back to it. half points, we really have to work out a system where we don't interrupt one another)
  • HUG = and then some, I'm going to miss getting hugs after my surgery. No squeezing allowed. :( Actually, we traded hugs, I think Trouble needs them more than I do right now.

Medication = yes
Sober = yes, surprising even after all that stress, and going overboard on HALT (I was Hungry, Stressed instead of Angry, a little Lonely, and Tired) I didn't even have a craving or an urge to cut. Sat in a bar and didn't drink any booze. The meds must be working, because that is just plain odd.

Compulsion = okay, went shopping online today, but it was for stuff I will use. We order both oil and flour/baking stuff online, so I get it in bulk. Spent just a touch over $200, lots of cooking oil, flour, and new yeast. The only truly superfluous items were a pie dam and pie carrier. For a person who bakes a bunch of pies, I don't really like eating them. I've been wanting a pie carrier for ages, because pies are just a bitch to transport otherwise. And I got a new cake pan -- wish they had found the cake pan Trouble's landlord lost, that was one of my good ones. Anyway, failed on points.)
Extras = Did transfer stuff to the new binder, but didn't get any real paperwork done because I was busy venting at the bar. no points

TOTAL SCORE = 10/13 = 77% achieved...darn, so close but no cigar today

Revelations Today

Just because you don't feel under the influence of pain medications, doesn't mean it isn't having an effect. I never cut myself cooking, and it's been twice now in two days. Today I have an excuse, the knife slipped and sliced the knuckle part, which is where it should go if it slips. Yesterday was pure stupidity. I was cutting oranges in half to squeeze for orange juice, and I put my fingertip right in the path where I was slicing down. Talk about feeling 'kitchen stupid'. When I cut myself today and started 'owing' AgtOrange asked me if I was alright. "Just wounded my pride, babe, wounded my pride," I yelled, while hopping up and down cursing and holding a paper towel to the profusely bleeding finger. It's in a real bad spot, every time I bump it, the skin flap tears and it starts bleeding all over again.

At least one member of my family is looking out for me. I always knew Sis would be there for me in a pinch if I needed her (and if she was able to be). She didn't even huff or anything, and she knew right away when I kept calling her that something was up. Her first words were practically, "you need someone for after your surgery, don't you". Pops will help in a pinch too, but he complains or comments the entire time he's doing it, and that just makes you feel like a big bother.

I don't do well without a plan. We can add that to the "powerless, useless, neglected" trio of things I freak out about. Not that anyone does do well with uncertainty, per se, but this is what really caused me to get hysterical, not having a plan in place and perhaps an alternate plan if the first falls through. It's what would've made me a top-notch protection specialist (had I not gotten sick), and what made me a pretty good executive assistant. For big events, I keep a spare plan the way I used to keep extra toner on hand. This whole "just see how it goes" thing does not fly when I'm about to be cut open.

Somehow, despite this illness, I need to reach out and start making more friends again. Once upon a time, I could've called on a dozen people to lend me a hand, now I'm down to just a couple of folks and it's dwindling. Not only is it not a good idea to rely too heavily on just one or two people (it's a real strain on them for one thing, and doesn't set up the best relationship dynamic), but also I just plain like having people around and I think it would be good for me. It's hard when you don't have a job, or school, and you're tired all the time. It's hard to meet people. My circle of friends has shrunk through natural causes, mostly because many have moved away. And some of my new associates are really just drinking/using buddies... sure, a few are good friends who would back me up, but many are casual acquaintances that I don't have much in common with outside the bar.

I'd wanted to do a big blurb on Harm Reduction since I volunteer at the needle exchange and it's one of my favorite soapboxes, but I think it should wait for when I'm rested. I'll try to get to it tomorrow in the afternoon and have it posted on Monday when folks will be around to read it.

Take care of yourselves out there this weekend and happy Bastille Day. I'll catch ya'll tomorrow at check-in time.