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Wed, Jul. 18th, 2012, 12:51 am
Today's Check-In (Tuesday): Snail Pace Ahead!

After that long last post, I wanna make this short. Real short. Finally finished my disability paperwork, took four hours, lots of writing by hand, and my hands may soon fall off.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • strength exercises (well, I thought about doing them, does that count?)
  • grooming (basic, done)
  • meal (no time to cook, STILL haven't made that pie and beginning to wonder how long peaches stay good in the crisper. Ate healthy, but from Cosi = half points)
  • therapy (done, great talk there)
  • Spanish (started it, but was interrupted by a much enjoyed phone call (hiya Tashok, long time no hear!) and never got back to studying = half points)
  • chores (4 hours of solid paperwork, nuff said)
  • coping (yup, read my chapters on the metro, including one I won't be discussing in-depth about what to do if your teen is using drugs)

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = yes
No Compulsions = fail, um... see the revelations below
Extras = yes, because I'm counting that Harm Reduction post which took over an hour of my life (worth it!)

TOTAL SCORE = 9.75/13 = 75% oh so close but no cigar (goal is 80% daily)

Revelations Today

There's a fine line between compulsion and motivation -- at least for me there is. You see, I think the higher dose of meds is kicking in, and they seem to be working very well (which is a first with me in all the history of the psychiatric drugs I've been on). It's my 'danger week' and I don't feel compelled to do anything, then again, I don't feel compelled to do ANYTHING. While I'm not going crazy online shopping, I'm also spending a worrisome amount of time contentedly staring at the walls--not spacing out, but actually being happy to just sit there. *blink blink*

I really need to get on a pain med schedule. And this reminds me, I still haven't taken it. Be right back.

Okay, I'm back now. Seems that even EXCRUCIATING PAIN isn't enough of a reminder to take my pain meds. Humph. Just need to figure out how best to work that into my routine, and still not sure if that's a safe, logical thing to do. That's a question for the pain specialist.

I don't know how to tell the difference between buying something because you like it and buying it compulsively. For my recovery I wanted to lounge in this nice silk faux-kimono on a papasan chair, possibly while eating ice cream and reading my Kindle. Sort of a present for having surgery. Bought the kimono today, along with a fabulous vintage hat. It uses a HATPIN! I feel so excitedly 1920's because my new hat has a hatpin (which I also had to buy). I wore it home and felt awesome. So did I buy the kimono and hat because they were nice and I wanted them, or because I saw them and was compelled to buy them. What's the difference?

AgtOrange tried to explain, but my final conclusion is, "well, everything I see that I like I'm compelled to buy". For me, I don't think there is rational desire, it's just compulsion. For that matter (see first revelation), I don't think I have normal motivation, it's just compulsion.

My therapist washed her hands of it, "that's a question for Dr. [shrink] to sort out". Hmmm.

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