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Thu, Jul. 19th, 2012, 11:03 pm
We Interrupt Today's Check-In To Bring You This Announcement

I'm scared. I shouldn't be. I'm lonely. I shouldn't be. I've been planning for tomorrow's surgery for awhile now, and suddenly it just hit me a couple of hours ago that tomorrow was surgery. In my head it always feels more like 'the day after tomorrow' i.e. really soon, but not just yet. And now it's here. Less than twelve hours from now, a nice lady surgeon will be cutting open my belly with a scalpel. I'm not real good with people even poking me in my belly. I go berserk if they touch my belly button. Maybe I should have booked the surgery and gone for a light sedative. Can I do this with just a local? I'm going to have to. I'm going to have to take care of and clean a wound that will probably make me feel a little queasy every time I look at it. If it was an arm, leg, my back... no problem. But it isn't. It's in my belly.

The house is still messy; I still have incomplete projects that are going to drive me bonkers because I can't get to them. I never baked that pie. I never created a new recovery schedule for the next two weeks (should I call it the double-recovery schedule?). I'm just gonna have to wing it the best I can. I'll try to post something every day still, but it probably won't be the normal check-in for the next two weeks.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • grooming (done, and I got some sunbathing in as well)
  • HIPS (went, was very productive and felt good about being able to help)
  • Spanish (didn't have time today, too busy)
  • meal (AgtOrange took me out for a 'last meal' so I didn't end up cooking = half points)

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = yes
No Compulsions = fail, dragged AgtOrange into a 'stocking up junk food for the house' binge. Spent $150 on JUNK FOOD. Who wants to party? I have chips... and candy... and dip... and chocolate... and cookies... and gummy bears... and popcorn... but lay off my Cheezits!
Extras = cleaned up the living room a bit in preparation for my slowtime. That's what I'm going to call it! SLOWTIME!

TOTAL SCORE = 13/16 = 81% SUCCESS

Today's Revelations
There is no such thing as minor surgery. It's true, no matter how minor, it is never really minor. Anyone who tells you different is trying to blow smoke up your ass. If they cut you open and take something out or rearrange your insides in any way, it is not minor.

It's okay to be afraid. I am not going to let this stop me, but boy do I feel nervous about it. Cool.

"It's going to be okay" is the most annoyingly useless statement of all time. Right behind that are folks who tell you about some miraculous recovery/cure/whatever and talk about faith. Sorry, most folks with a long-term painful chronic illness don't hold much stock in things like superfast recovery times and the power of God/Jesus/Allah/Reiki to fix us. If it was going to happen, it would have happened already. And if you follow that with 'everything happens for a reason' maybe that reason is so someone like me can put you in your place and tell you to shut up. Do you want to know why I got sick? It's because I was volunteering at a nursing home and I picked up a nasty bug (Norovirus) and my immune system decided to go haywire and attack itself. So forgive my cynicism, I'm a little stressed out right now, and I know me. I'm a cynic, sure, but I'm also a realist. I know better than anyone what my body is capable of doing, and how fast it is capable of healing. When the doctor says two weeks, it is two weeks for a generally healthy person, which I am not. So I can be hopeful for two weeks, but it could easily be four. Being optimistic or having faith isn't going to help me; in fact, it might leave me in the crapper if toward the end of the second week, if I still feel poorly, I don't arrange for someone to help me out during the days. I have to keep track of how I'm doing so I can properly plan for a true recovery. I can't afford to be either optimistic or pessimistic, and I have take a hard look at facts and see what it really real. I am sick. I am not going to get better. Sometimes this can mess up things like healing; my body is dealing with a ton of medications and several other illnesses. Then again, sometimes I heal wounds faster because my immune system kicks into overdrive. It has happened, but I won't be able to tell until this weekend, and only if I pay attention to what my body is saying, and not to whatever folks tell me because it makes THEM feel better to believe it.

There are a million ways to be supportive without being a fortune teller. But that's another post for another evening. Time for meds and bed. Gnite everyone, and wish me luck tomorrow!

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