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Wed, Aug. 1st, 2012, 10:59 pm
Slowtime Check-In Day 6 of 14 (Wednesday)

So I spent way too much time finding creative ways to continue hoarding clothes despite all logic and reason. Also spent two hours on the rooftop deck reading and giving myself a mild sunburn.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • grooming & wound care = plenty of that today
  • eat healthy meal = have been picking through leftovers all day, including making a yogurt-fruit smoothie. Veggie spring rolls and leftover Thai food complete some pretty healthy options.
  • Spanish = worked on lesson 15 some more, stuck on that one now
  • coping = technically I haven't yet, but I'm going to post the leftover stuff from my Recovery Options book right after I finish this, so I'm counting the points in advance
  • paperwork/emails = yes, mucho emails
  • Movie review = nope, and that's funny because I really WANTED to see a movie today
  • fun reading = rooftop deck + trashy romance = aces
  • meditation = yes, I didn't spend all of my sunbathing time wasting brain cells, I actually did some meditation (1/2 pts)

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = success, even though I did through some maraschino cherries into my fruit smoothie, it wasn't enough to get an alcoholic bite

No Compulsions = *sigh* I can't say I was successful. Not only did I buy a coverup online (it was the LAST one left in stock, okay) but I consider pulling those shirts out of the 'recycle/gift' pile to be an act of compulsive hoarding. I couldn't help myself. And I still can't part with that corset even if it doesn't fit.

No Strenuous Acts = success
Plenty of Fluids = success, which is a really good thing considering this sunburn

TOTAL SCORE =  10/14 = 71% Drat! I thought for sure I would be at success level today.

Today's Revelations

I am a compulsive t-shirt/clothing hoarder. It's official. I'm not even sure I'm sorry about it. So far it has taken over my closet, but not quite my life. There are bigger fish in the world to fry.

People judge you by your mistakes, not your successes. It's a terrible realization of the human condition. I still have druggie friends who call me all the time, thinking for sure I will have relapsed and can help them score. A rack of them have called tonight. Mostly I don't answer, not because I don't care about them, but because I tire of the same old conversation over and over again.

"Hey, whatcha doing?"
"Nothing, sitting at home."
"Oh, so you just chillin, right?"
"Yup pretty much."
"Oh, well that's good then. Okay, well I'll catch you later."
"Okay, bye."

These are the folks that didn't remember my surgery, but that's okay. I feel for them, I really do. It's hard when you're addicted and desperate for something, anything, to take your pain away. No lies, it is always about the pain. Maybe it's physical, or maybe it's mental, or maybe it's just the pain of being an addict... but there is always pain underneath that fuels the burn. It's when they stop feeling pain and fall well into the addiction, that they stop acting human. Addicts who cry, beg, plead, act out... they are still alive to me. It's the ones who seem happy wallowing in the mess that I stop fighting to protect. They're worth something too, but hey, I'm only human.

Still, it is kind of annoying that so many expect me to 'fail'. If only they could see that even if I do relapse, it still isn't a failure, and it doesn't mean I have to slide back into total chaos. The road to redemption is paved with many slips and falls; I just wish so many folks didn't have feet out hoping to trip me up all the time.


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