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Thu, Aug. 30th, 2012, 05:55 pm
Thursday and I'm Out of Spoons

Seems I've been out of spoons all week long. Part of it is illness, part of it is I didn't take my vitamins yesterday and now I have a good week of feeling blah to look forward to, and part of it is pure depression. It's finally sinking in that Trouble is gone, our relationship is truly over, never to return. And it's for the best, I guess, but my heart is still broken. No one wants to be with someone who can't decide if they want to be with you, anyway. In my heart I kept thinking, maybe oneday, maybe oneday, once I have my life together we could try again (like we both talked about), but now I'm thinking if he doesn't or can't be with me as I am today, mental illness, physical illness, if he can't be my support now, then even if things do even out and change for me, he simply won't be deserving of me. AgtOrange has been standing beside me all this time, from before the physical illness watching me slide into sickness, and from the days of true mental illness, and helped/watched me climb up and out of it slowly as the days pass. He's the smartest person I know, the most reasonable and patient, and one hell of a nice guy. That's right, I'm with a NICE GUY. So maybe we don't have the wild winds of passion, I told my therapist he's like your very favorite fuzzy bathroom, the one you positively can't live without but not exactly award winning lingerie. So incredible passion and romance is nice, but it always comes with the flipside drama and I have plenty already, thank you very much.

Likewise, missing Trouble has brought me back around to missing Loopy. Loving Trouble made me see that even though the Loopy I fell in love with is gone, to be replaced by a 70% stranger to me, my memory of that love is so strong and lasting that, if given the chance, I could easily stand by his side even now and give everything I have and am because he once was the man I loved. I do still love him for that, I never stopped, but I thought this new person and I just weren't working... but I could make it work, only I think he wants to keep me at arm's distance yet again. I worry about him. He's waiting to see about a heart transplant; he's always at death's door it seems, and I think that's why he doesn't want me to fly out and visit, so I don't see him sick yet again. Dealing with the brain tumor was hard, so very fucking hard, but I've been there and I can do this, and I'm stronger mentally now because I have a great emotional support system of friends to lean on, something I didn't have back then.

BTW... the whole deal there was when they managed to deal with the tumor (originally he was going to die, they did something radical and new using soundwaves), he came out different. Like, different personality different. It was so weird, I felt like suddenly there was a stranger in the room who was very like Loopy, but not quite Loopy, an actor playing him, or maybe his twin brother.

All the new Buddhist exercises I've been doing are somewhat helping me to let go. I can't be active like I was; I just can't. It's time to let that go and rest more. But the part I can't give up on is the socializing. That's why I'm thinking of doing a Sunday afternoon tea. I really hope my friends will visit regularly. Then I don't have to expend the energy leaving the house, but I don't feel so isolated and lonely.

So for Wednesday and today, you can pretty much write it off as 0%. I'm not even bothering to count. I did dismantle the bookcase, and I did go to HIPS today and probably did more stockwork than I should have. Tried to make cooker/cotton packs, but my fingers hurt too much fiddling with the tiny items so I was doing major restocking and lifting big boxes, something I CAN still do (but probably shouldn't until I'm well again).

Tired now, trying to find a couple of spoons so I can take a shower. I sweated through my shirt several times at HIPS, the storage room is HOT and all that exercise didn't help. *sigh* No spoons left to continue this....




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Fri, Aug. 31st, 2012 02:01 am (UTC)
lather2002

Interesting ... I have noticed the past few months missing forks. Really, it started with the only regular size fork going missing. Then the salad size forks started to disappear. Of about 6 of them only two are left. Very strange. I mean I live alone, other than Penny, my dog and Heather, my cat. WHere have they could have gone to ?

Fri, Aug. 31st, 2012 10:24 pm (UTC)
jadxia: Spoon Theory

LOL, for those not 'in the know' here's a link explaining the Spoon Theory of chronic illness.

Spoon Theory.