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Thu, Sep. 6th, 2012, 10:51 pm
Today's Check-In (Thursday): Health Battles, Mental vs. Physical

So here's a medical conundrum. I'm on this medication for my impulsive/compulsive/obsessive behavior. It works fantastically, and I'm ready to increase the dosage. One caveat. It's messing up my blood sugar. In fact, it can induce diabetes. Now I've been through every brain drug there is, just about, so finding something that works for me is a big deal. But, you know, so are my feet and eyesight (both things that go when you can't control your sugar).

So far I've been compensating by protein loading at night (when I take the medication). It's stopped me from waking up blood-sugar sick like I was when I first increased the dose. I'm pretty pleased with myself for thinking up this solution, but my Shrink gave me the whole 'bitey-lip worried' look when we talked about it. I think she would really prefer to try something else, but I'm scared. I mean, if the new thing doesn't work, I could slip back... WAAAYYYY back, and it could be months before I'm on track again.

For the first time in my life, I'm not pulling at the anchor just to move forward. Sure, I've made great strides in controlling chronic suicidalness, but it's nice to not HAVE to fight all the time. The continuously intrusive thoughts are just... gone.... *poof* wave magic wand, take pill. What's a little grogginess and diabetes compared to all that? Worse yet, what if I do slip and don't see it? What then? A foray back into booze and drugs? Another suicide attempt? Will I succeed? Some other crazy notion I have yet to consider that flings me into danger's path?

I was literally so pleased and happy about just NOT FEELING INSANELY SUICIDAL that I started texting people to tell them how wonderful I thought they were, because I wanted them to feel as happy as I felt. And I wasn't crazy, giddy, manic happy either. I was just so relieved that the monster was sleeping or out to lunch or whatever. To some extent I'm in awe. This is what people feel like, all the time? Why does everyone do things to make themselves so miserable then? I mean, I was BORN depressed, genetically. I've been fighting my whole life, not to be happy, but just not to want to die constantly. I started trying to kill myself around six years old. Every day of my sixth grade year I walked home from school by jumping into traffic on the highway thinking, if today is the day I'm meant to die, it's going to happen now. Every day is a struggle for me to feel... well... normal. And here everyone is running around chasing joy or happiness, which has pretty much been a pipe dream for all I've been concerned with, and generally making themselves unhappy in the process, when I've been in a life and death struggle just to feel blah, just to feel bored, just to feel content, to not hate every. single. second. of every. single. hour.

I wanted to run around shaking people and shouting 'wake up! this isn't so bad.'

I've always known which decisions in life are the rational ones, but often times I could see them, but couldn't do them. I'd know what I should do, sometimes even what I really wanted to do, and I'd go do something crazy instead because I just couldn't seem to control the impulse. Whatever neurochemical demon I have floating around up there has been silenced. I want it to stay that way. Against her better judgement, my Shrink is letting the medication stand for now. The end result is that tomorrow when I go back to my regular doctor to discuss the lidocaine therapy, I also get to experience another battery of blood tests, and maybe schedule for another glucose tolerance test (oh joy). Not to mention getting that referral to the allergist, which is dozens of needles of fun.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • grooming = yes
  • HIPS (11-4) = no HIPS today, on account of the doctor
  • Spanish = I tried. I really tried. But I was too wired to nap and too tired to study tonight. I've got one spoon made of caffeine and I'm gonna use it to play videogames.
  • nap / rest = (see above)
  • meal (1 prep/1 eat) = AgtOrange reheated the pasta for me. I did bad and hit McD's again today at lunch, but I'll make up for that (if one can) with my crazy smoothie tonight.
  • run from yesterday = I did actually do this, even though my legs are killing me. I had a calf cramp this morning.

Medication = yes
Sober / No Compulsions = fail, I've really got to put a time limit to my FB game playing. Age of Champions is taking over all my free time. I'm hoping I'll start to get bored with it in another week or so.

TOTAL SCORE =  8 /11 = 72%

Today's Revelations

Easier said than done. So when did I become the counselor? I've always been good at coming up with solutions to relationship quandaries, and yet half the time I couldn't actually do them. Sometimes it wasn't my fault, and sometimes it was. But now that meds and meditation seem to have evened me out so I can really apply my rational thoughts to my reality, it's like folks are just popping out of the woodwork to ask me things. And I have answers, although to be fair, I really don't feel qualified (because I'm not) for that kind of thing. So the answers feel right, and people seem to think they're good ones, but I don't necessarily feel confident in them because I happen to be lacking a piece of paper saying I'm qualified. Actually, I think it's because the answers are more intuitively based that I don't trust them. If I could do a bunch of studies and had access to a ton of data, I might feel more confident. I'm still a leg up on a few therapists I've had in years past. Still tired and now my hands hurt. Time for tea and games until I pass out.


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