So it's the big day. We start at 0200 and go all the way through tomorrow night. It'll be the last security shift I ever pull. It may very well be the last time I work at all. I have absolutely NO IDEA how I'm going to manage or how many days I'm going to be bedridden paying for it. But I did it one year on a broken toe and I'll be damned if I miss the last year the Adam's Morgan Association is going to run Adam's Morgan Day. All the old timers will be working. I simply can't miss it.
Now I'm allowed to cut out early. But really, since when have I done that?
AgtOrange and I got into an argument today, which literally almost never happens. We'd made up again in less than half an hour, but it was still a little upsetting. And the apology never feels the same when you ask for one. That's all I'm going to say about this, though, I have enough on my plate.
I was laying down to nap, having sent AgtOrange out for some Red Bull because we'd forgotten it earlier, when it suddenly hit me. All night tonight and all day tomorrow I'll be working with Trouble (and later, Shaolin). The feeling is a tight fist squeezing everything from my heart; it's a backwash of tears in my throat. His leaving hurt me immeasurably and I can't, I won't just be friends. If I have any brains, I will tell him most certainly that this is goodbye, that after tomorrow I never want to hear from him again, or at least not for a long, long time. I should block him from Facebook, set his email to spam, and erase his number. Of course, realistically I know I'm not going to do that, but it would be the smartest thing to do.
I can't help it. Every time I think I might see him, I hope we'll get back together even though I know it wouldn't end well and I would just get more hurt all over again. The heart is funny that way. I've been slowly removing anything that reminds me of him. I've been erasing his presence bit by bit from my life. One day, he'll be a distant memory and then I will move on. I'm making a conscious effort to do so now.
So I can cry now, for this is the end. And I can cry later, when it's over. So long as I am strong through the middle of it and make it through the day.
It'll be over soon Jade. Take care of yourself.
And take care, all of you. I'll be with you again Monday or Tuesday.