Most of us have those folks we have loved who have hurt us deeply, whether they meant to or not. Many of us come away feeling that they were not deserving of our love, but when you come to think about it, are any of us? Love is such a powerful and wonderful thing, and we are simply and beautifully flawed as humans. The greatest thing about love is that none of us are worthy of it, and yet some of us are blessed enough to have received it, for however long or short a time.
I'm still grappling with a hurt that feels fresh and alive. I have always been a creature of infinite loyalty, and when spurned or wounded that jagged edge is also infinite. Love and hate are merely two sides to the same coin, after all. Despite all that I have done to garner closure, I am no closer.
It takes time. It takes space. Most of all, I have to learn to forgive myself for the bad decisions I have made. I made a mistake. I fell in love with someone (yet again) who hurt me. And, since I can't make the hurt go away no matter how hard I try...and, since I'm not the kind of person who likes to hide how they feel and pretend it's okay to 'just be friends', I've decided it's in my best interests to block this person from my Facebook, something I should have done a long time ago. No contact, no chance of contact. I don't even know why I still have their number in my phone. It hurts me every time I scroll past their name and know that call is never going to happen. As much as I want to hold this person again is as much as I want to carve out their heart with an electric carving knife and stomp it, still beating, under my heel while they take a last gasping breath. Actually, not even close, I want them to live a long, insufferably miserable life to a ripe old age, hopefully full of agonizing pain and loneliness, where everything good they ever want is ripped from them almost as soon is it is realized.
This, too, shall pass. Not the feelings, neither the love nor the hate, but the suffering for it. Just as my soul has grown to encompass and contain previous love/hates, I know these are just growing pains. The feelings don't lessen; the soul expands. I wish him ill only for this discomfort it brings me now.
Can I grow this much? Have I come this far? There's an ex, one who also hurt me quite some time ago, yet another mistake and a rather foolish one at that. Have I forgiven myself? He was quite a large mistake to have dated, but not a bad person for all that. I had a brief contact with him recently when one of his old email addresses started sending out spam to all his old contacts. I'm curious to see if I can walk into a room and still be at peace in my heart, neither full or hurt nor hate, but simply accepting that this was a mistake I made and wish him well on his future endeavors. If I close one door, does another open?