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Fri, Nov. 29th, 2013, 02:10 pm
Another Effed Up Day Alone

I'm totally at the four stages of H.A.L.T. These are the conditions under which people tend to use drugs. Even one is not good, but usually if you hit any two, you will go out and get high or drunk. Somehow, I've managed to be at all four.

Hungry -- there's nothing I want to eat in this house. I don't really want the leftover stir-fry and everything else would be a giant production. I know I should eat, but instead I've let myself get ravenous. Probably my blood sugar has dropped. Probably I'm not entirely being rational at this point.
Angry -- S/o shouldn't have stayed up so late, so that we could have gone out to a nice breakfast this morning. I'm super-pissed off at him. We don't get to spend hardly any time together because he's either working or studying. I get that. But since he was up so late, now he's going to sleep all day, and basically waste the time we could have spent together.
Lonely -- Again, wanted to spend time with my S/o. I'm only getting like 2 hours a week as it is. Unhappy.
Tired -- I woke up too early myself. Without the proper sleeping medications, I've been unable to stay asleep long enough. And that's on top of my normal sense of being tired all the time.

To top it all off, it's the first of the month, when all the disability checks come in, and one of my friends called me up this morning with "you know how I always say I'm going to get you back for all the times you've looked out for me? Well, this stuff is right here, I'm doing great, if you get your butt down here, I'll treat you and it's all on my tab."

All I wanted when I woke up this morning was to spend time with my S/o, go out and have a nice breakfast at the pancake house. PANCAKES! ALL I WANTED WAS SOME FUCKING PANCAKES! And then I would have tackled the laundry, even though it's his job and not mine, and probably put my back out in the process (which is WHY it's his job and not mine), and watched a movie by myself, and called it a night.

And now I don't want to do the laundry, or care, even if it means I wear dirty clothes for a week. Now I just want to crawl into a hole until the weekend is over and say "to hell with everything". I did my exercises, and took a shower. I put up the dishes in the dishwasher, and loaded what didn't need to be soaked in the sink. I gave S/o some "morning loving" and I called the Social Security Administration and tried to straighten out the mess that is my disability. And now all I want to do is say "hey babe, give me my damn pin money", call my friend back to see if they still have any of that free shit or if they did it all already, and then take off for the duration. And maybe I'll be home in a couple or days, or maybe I won't come home ever. Maybe while I'm out I will just step in front of a motherfucking bus or I'll rob a liquor store just for giggles and get myself arrested.

Because really, what is the point of doing the things you are supposed to do, my meds, my exercises, being pleasant and understanding about all the long hours S/o is working and the fact that I never, EVER see him anymore, if all it means is that I'm constantly tired and trying to work hard and do shit, and end up always by myself? At least if I'm out and getting high, I'm surrounded by other people, which is half the reason I think I go out. Even though I don't much like those other people, it still beats being alone looking at a pile of dirty laundry.

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