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Fri, Nov. 9th, 2012, 01:33 pm
How I Create My Weekly Schedules and Point Assignments

They are basically tables; the point assignments are estimated times to complete each task (1 point = 1 hour) with three 'bonus' activities that take little or no time but can also earn me points to make up for stuff I might have missed.

I've decided to have various schedules based on what week it is. In the third week of my hormone cycle (when I tend to be PMS-y and my moods are more erratic; I also tend to have cravings including drug and junk food/chocolate cravings) I will lean heavily on a 'recovery' schedule and do lots of posts about changing bad habits and the nature of addiction. Recovery weeks take priority over all other types except for weeks I am ill, which will be bare bones.

The next on the list will be weeks that I have an upcoming SALT (Sunday Afternoon Low-Tea) to plan. I can then assign my free time toward fabulous foods and a little cleaning or decorating.

After that, I plan to list all my varied interests, and rotate through that list as the weeks allow. I may only cover each interest a few times a year, but that's alright by me.

If you are interested in following along, below is a copy of my recovery week. As you can see, I continue to work on my Spanish, add in meditation, and have at least a little exercise, which has proven to calm cravings. Because of the fibromyalgia (and related chronic fatigue) I wanted to make sure to plan in lots of nap/rest time. Remember HALT? You are more likely to relapse if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. So healthy meals, plenty of rest, meetings (even if only online as mine mostly are), and meditation are all wonderful tools of sobriety.

1 - Chore 3 - Stretch Class 0.5 - Groom 1 - Run 0.5 - Groom (2 MAID if appl.) (opt) 3-4 mi. walk DCFR
1 - Groom 0.5 - Groom 5 - volunteer work 3 - Stretch Class 5 - volunteer work 3 - Stretch Class (makeup)
2 - Meal Prep 2 - Meal (1 prep/1 eat healthy) 0.5 - Spanish 0.5 - Groom 0.5 - Spanish 3 - Meal w/BFF (reward)
3 - TEA PARTY 0.5 - Spanish 1 - Healthy Meal 2 - Meal (1 prep/1 eat healthy) 3 - Therapy 0.5 - Groom
2 Nap/Rest 2 Nap/Rest 3 - Therapy 0.5 - Spanish 1 - Healthy Meal 2 Nap/Rest
1 Coping (SMART mtg) 1 Coping (SMART mtg) 2 Nap/Rest 2 Nap/Rest 2 Nap/Rest 0.5 - Spanish
0.5 - Spanish 1 - Grocery / Recipe Planning 0.5 Meditation 0.5 Coping (BlogPost)1 - Put up Veggie Order 1 - Healthy Meal (opt) 1 Coping (SMART mtg)
2.5 Coping (BlogPost / Reading) 0.5 Meditation 2 Coping (BlogPost / Reading) 1 Coping (SMART mtg)
1 - Chore
1 - Smoothie 1 - Smoothie 1 - Smoothie 1 - Smoothie 1 - Smoothie 1 - Smoothie 1 - Smoothie
1 - Medication 1 - Medication 1 - Medication 1 - Medication 1 - Medication 1 - Medication 1 - Medication
1 - Sober / No Compulsions 1 - Sober / No Compulsions 1 - Sober / No Compulsions 1 - Sober / No Compulsions 1 - Sober / No Compulsions 1 - Sober / No Compulsions 1 - Sober / No Compulsions
Total Pts. = 13.5 Total Pts. = 13 Total Pts. = 18 Total Pts. = 14 Total Pts. = 18 Total Pts. = 13 FREE DAY

As I've previously stated, the next recovery week starts on Sunday, November 18th.

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Mon, Nov. 5th, 2012, 11:55 am
Wasting My Time and Falling Through The Cracks

So, the appointment today was a total waste of time and hope-crusher to boot. Here's the story to date.

My primary care person isn't a doctor, she's a PA, so she doesn't really feel comfortable (and it is a real pain in the butt for her) prescribing pain medication. She'd referred me to pain management to have them take over my care.
He'd said I had a bunch of drs already (true) and that he'd be more comfortable as an advisor, but not actually handling my care. Whatever. Said he'd send a report back to my PCP. In the meantime, suggested Lyrica, which I told him I'd tried to get on but Medicaid wouldn't pay for it, and lidocaine therapy, which I wasn't sure would be covered either, but I would be willing to try it.
Went back to my PCP, who was confused as to why I was sent back. They did lidocaine treatment at the pain clinic, why hadn't I booked an appointment for that? I didn't know. She hadn't received any report. I went home, with PCP promising to get report from Pain dr. PCP gave me a new referral back to pain mgmt, maybe that was the issue, and ordered lidocaine therapy.
So today, it was back to the pain dr. The referral said I was to receive lidocaine treatment today, but as I suspected, the appointment that the referral person booked was just a standard appointment, not a procedure slot. So I saw the doctor, and on asking him what this issue was, he'd said "it seemed you were reluctant to try the lidocaine therapy so I thought you'd want to talk it over with your doctor". No, thinking my insurance won't pay for it is not reluctance on my part. I told him what I've been telling everyone, if I thought standing on my head an hour a day would help, I'd try it. So he did the paperwork to have the procedure done and shuffled me out the door.
He also said that because I had a shrink who gave me those kinds of meds, and that many pain meds are also shrink meds or interact with them, they couldn't take over my care because they didn't want to be accidentally prescribing medications that would interact. They also didn't have the staff to take on a bunch of new patients; I would have to get pain meds from my PCP. So my PCP won't write them because she feels it is now the responsibility of pain management, and pain management says that just because they are assisting with my care does not make them responsible for all of my medication. I think this pretty much puts me in the realm of 'fucked'.
And then I get to the desk with my paperwork, and she's having me fill out the emergency contact info for the procedure. She gives me a card with a number on it, says to have a seat and the nurse will call my number to schedule my procedure. Then she says, "oh yeah, I forgot to ask. What is your insurance?" So I tell her.

"Oh, um... you know you need prior authorization then," she says. She waits for me to finish filling out the slip, takes it and the number back, and says in that tone of voice I know all to well, "the nurse will call you when we get authorization." She knows and I know, and she knows I know, prior authorization will never come. Which is what I told the pain doctor back in July, which is what he misinterpreted as reluctance on my part and caused the delay in treatment.

My PCP gave me enough meds to last until I saw the pain doctor again, but I don't have much past today because I'd expected a refill. Only he won't do it because, as he states, it's still my PCP's responsibility. I'm going to try and call it in, but I have a suspicion she'll want to see me and by the time I get an appointment with her, I'll be out of pills. And if I run out, that means the only way to get more will mean yet another trip to the emergency room, a useless and non-urgent trip that wastes resources (and a bunch of my time) which could have gone to genuine emergencies. Sorry taxpayers. That couple of months when DC had full Obamacare were wonderful; this would have all been approved and I would have gotten on with my life, maybe even gotten a part-time job again by now or gone back to school. Then they started repealing things and DC went back to its uber-shitty version of Medicaid. I can't wait until I get on disability, because that would also mean I could get the treatment I need to get better. I'm so fed up with being shuffled back and forth.

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Wed, Oct. 31st, 2012, 07:05 pm
I'd Like To Say There's A Magic Pill

I'd like to say there's a magic pill that I could give you or sell you and have you get better. I'd like to say there's a method or a path. In addition to sleeping 14-16 hours a day (still adjusting to medication), which certainly cuts into blogging time, I've suddenly veered off onto a new path. I've taken a step, one in which I'm not sure you can follow.

It's not a step up. It's more of a side-step. I'm not even sure it is the right direction. For awhile, it seemed, we were all traveling together on a highway of generalities and pretty much all the problems had the basic things be the same, but suddenly I've turned off the highway. I'm headed home, to my home, and not only am I not sure you could follow as you don't have the relevant directions, but I don't know if you should. After all, what good would it do you to get to my house? That's not where you want to be. And I'm not even sure I'm going the right direction; right now I'm lost in the woods. I could be going in circles. I think I'm headed the right way. It's starting to feel familiar, at any rate.

A part of me thinks I should wait to see if I really do get home, and then try to remember how I managed to find my path, and maybe share some tips that I think would be helpful. The rest of me realizes that if I don't write it down now, I'm never going to remember all that once I get there. But, and here's the rub, what if I'm NOT headed the right direction? If I write it down now, and this isn't the correct way, I certainly don't want to lead anyone astray.

So a word of warning is in order. I'm venturing into a place of specificity. What is healing to me might not be healing for you, and I'm not even sure this is good for me. I won't know until I try it whether or not it works. I haven't given up though, and whatever else is true, I don't think you should give up either.

This is technically a 'recovery week' schedule, where I analyze bad habits etc. I haven't made much with the schedules because I've been sleeping so much, but it's been getting better (from 20 hours a day to 15 lol). The next official recovery week starts Sunday, November 18th. I will have a follow-along schedule posted before then if you'd like to try something similar to my points system. Modify it however you want. I'll explain it later. Peace!

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Sun, Oct. 14th, 2012, 08:48 pm
Today's Check-In (Sunday): Back to the Drawing Board

REVELATION: Seems I do better on my schedule if I post it. In fact, I don't follow it at all otherwise. So, starting today/tomorrow, I'm going to have to hop back on the saddle and start up with these things again. Of course, I'm still trying to figure out how I can cut this stuff down to the very basics because there just isn't enough time in the day to do everything like I want. We'll adapt as we go along, I guess.

At least now I know.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • strength exercises = for the next few weeks I have ballet on Saturday, so that pretty much covers it, because you shouldn't do strength exercises on the same areas two days in a row
  • chores = cleaned up and changed the sheets pre-party, also think I'm gonna hit the laundry today instead of tomorrow
  • grooming = bare minimum, I made the mistake of hopping on the scale this morning. After THAT, I popped the button of my pants while running errands.
  • meal (smoothie) = will do, I've been great on the smoothies
  • nap / rest = sadly, haven't been napping lately
  • Spanish = have been way behind on Spanish
  • meal (2 prep) = this is pretty much 'tea party prep'

Medication = yes, good
Sober / No Compulsions = no, drinking mead today

TOTAL SCORE = 6/11 = 55%

Today's Revelations

I need to post a daily checkup or I won't even think of following my schedule.

Time for blog posts and party planning needs to be added to the schedule. This post usually takes over an hour, in part because I have to think about what I write and in part because I take breaks to rest my hands and eyes.

If your baking pan is even a little damp, your baked product will stick to it. I often have to reuse pans or will wash pans that are dusty from being on the shelf for a long time and give them only a minimal dry off with a towel. There is a noticeable difference, however, in how much my actual baked goods stick to the bottom of the pan based on it's initial dampness. From now on, I will waste the paper towel and make sure the pan is absolutely bone dry before I put the dough/batter in.

Skip parties after special events. Not only will I be tired, but guest turnout is sure to be low. Better to skip a few Sundays to ensure a higher turnout on the remaining days.

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Wed, Oct. 3rd, 2012, 02:23 am
On The Same Page

So I've been doing so well even my therapist commented on it.

"I'm waiting for the 'whoomp'," she said. "You know, where something goes 'whoomp' and everything smashes apart." I started to laugh.
"That's what I've been telling you I've been waiting for these past sessions!"

Seriously, though, things are going so swimmingly well for a bit I was seriously looking to see if I was going to be hit by a falling piano. Only it just keeps dancing along. I got my cool stuff from the auction, the ring is so awesome I want to wear it (despite it being over a thousand years old). My SSDI application has been received and I should know their decision with 120 days. I'm excited about these parties; hell I'm excited about my birthday, which is a story in its own right.

For the early part of my life, I tried to kill myself every birthday. It was a thing. I just couldn't face the idea of a whole 'nother year'. Later, it was a day of contemplation. I would sit alone, turn off my phone, and try to gather within myself the strength to keep fighting another year. Last year's birthday was possibly the worst I'd ever had. Trouble, knowing all this history, had still managed to get into a fight with me and refused to speak to me. Instead of spending the whole birthday gathering my resolve, I spent it curled in bed refusing to move and crying continuously, with AgtOrange doing his best to make sure I was okay while not being in my space so I had room to be depressed. And after that, it just didn't seem worth the bother to keep trying so damn hard for myself. I'd try for AgtOrange, and I'd try for Trouble, but left to my own devices I would've just stopped breathing.

This will be my second ever birthday party. I had one at a bar once thrown by my AdoptedMom. It went okay but I couldn't relax really, I didn't know how to be the recipient of a cake or at that end of things. For that matter, I bought the cake and wouldn't sit down to let other people decorate. I mean, growing up, if I wanted a birthday cake (and I always did) the ritual was usually that I baked it myself on my birthday. Dad would buy me the cake mix. But he said candles were a waste, so I'd take toothpicks and stick them in the frosting with dabs of red icing on the tops. Then I would make a wish, take out the toothpicks, cut myself a slice of cake, and eat maybe half of it. The rest of the cake would sit on the counter until it molded and got thrown out. Usually Dad would give me some money. Yay me happy fucking birthday.

And the year before then I left the country for the first time, because AgtOrange's friend is really stellar at throwing parties and so we went to the Dominican Republic (where his friend is from) in the hopes I could have a really stellar party. Only his friend got the flu so we mostly stayed in the hotel avoiding the heat. On my actual birthday we went to a fabulous club on the recommendation of his friend, but I was in too much pain and too tired. It was the night before my birthday, and I barely made it to past midnight and then we went back to the hotel so I could take off my uncomfortable shoes and fall apart.

But this year is different. Never mind that I'm getting fat and I'm medicated to the gills. That's probably part of it. I've never been HAPPY before, medication has never worked before, so even though my doctor is really concerned about what else it's doing, I'm totally working with this.

Medication can work, but it make take years of trying so don't give up. That I can attest to. Give each one about two or three months, and if you don't feel better or the side effects aren't starting to let up (there are ALWAYS side effects) then move on. And I don't have to worry about pain this year, because that's what painkillers are for. Yes, I do know I'm going to overextend myself drastically at this party, and it will probably take me a week to recover. So what. I'm using the DC Fetish Ball as my party so I only have to throw the bits surrounding it. I really, really hope some people crash over; it's been so long since I breakfasted as a group with my friends (which only happens when you've been partying the night before together). And yes, technically I'm baking my own cake, trying to tempt my buddy DarkElectric with a chocolate flourless concoction (he can't have gluten).

You'd almost think I was manic but I'm not. Yes, I'm a bit excited, but even when I'm calm I'm still happy. And I stopped worrying about a direct meteorite strike to the head after something AgtOrange said to me.

Me: Every time my life starts going right, something horrible happens. And things are going so well, I just know something really bad is about to occur.
AgtOrange: Well, yes, of course something really bad is going to happen. And then something really good is going to happen. And then something else bad, and then something else good.
Me: Wha??

And then he explained it like, if everything is going well, the only thing you're going to notice is when it sours. Just like when your life is a pit, it just goes on and on until suddenly something wonderful and miraculous-seeming happens. But it's basically all an up-and-down cycle that doesn't really change. Or at least, that's how I understood it, and it makes total sense.

So I just stopped worried about 'if' something bad was going to happen, because I already know it will. But just because it will, doesn't mean it's the end of everything. Really, it's just the beginning.

And now it's past time for meds and bed, where I get to snuggle up to someone I love. Yay me.
May you all be blessed with a cuddle partner all the days of your lives.

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Sat, Sep. 29th, 2012, 03:36 am
End of Check-Ins? Hospital Time After Time

I think I've come as far with my life schedule check-ins as they are going to take me. I know where my strengths are (taking meds, making my smoothie, going to therapy) and where my weaknesses are (exercising, Spanish lessons). And the check-in itself takes me a couple of hours to process and type, time I could better spend actually doing stuff. I'm still going to follow the schedule (roughly) and adjust it as needed, I'm just not going to do the points-based reporting anymore. By the way, I highly recommend setting up your own points-based schedule. I may dedicate a post on how to do this tomorrow or Monday.

So from now on, I'll either have a general report/record of my day OR I'll discuss revelations and things I've learned that I feel will be helpful to others. Basically, all the stuff from my regular check-in posts, only split up a little and missing the points-list in the middle. I should consider adding more videos, also.


I spent the majority of yesterday in a medical facility. I'd taken a painkiller to help me sleep (which I only do when I think my sleepy medication won't be enough on its own). At some point in the middle of the night, I woke up in agony and had to take another tramadol and wait for it to kick in before I could get back to sleep.

Now my usual pattern is

  • 800mg ibuprofen in morning
  • 50mg tramadol/ultram in afternoon
  • possibly another 50mg tramadol at bedtime.

When I got out of bed, I was still in pain, so after I had breakfast (I have to eat to take my morning medications) I took another tramadol. Already I was one over my usual, and the day hadn't even started.

At the volunteer job I was in desperate pain. I was even telling people I was going to jump (not fall) off the wagon if I couldn't get the pain under control. Everyone, even people who do harm reduction for a living, was totally resistant to this idea.

REVELATION: People are resistant to the idea of using illegal drugs even for legitimate purposes.

I don't get it. I promised my doctor I would first try legitimate channels to get pain medications when the pain was bad. That usually means four hours waiting in an emergency room, not knowing if they are going to give you pain meds or not, because of course they treat everyone seeking pain meds in the ER like a drug-seeking addict, and if they already KNOW you have a problem with addictive behavior, you might as well just kiss those pain pills goodbye. And it's so stupid, because I've never had a problem with pain pills in that way. My problem was always uppers, not downers. I can leave half a drink on the bar and walk out, but because I have a problem with addiction in one area, my doctor views any drinking I do as addictive behavior, even though I'm pretty good about sticking to her 'two-drink limit'. I like the taste of some alcohols, especially certain mixed drinks, and would be just as happy if more bars had fancy fruit mocktails. I was as satisfied with my Raspberry Limeade today at Red Robin as I would have been with a Mai Tai, it's fruity and fizzy and tastes good.

So four hours for the average ER visit, when in twenty minutes, with one phone call, I can have illegal drugs in hand that will be just as effective. Sometimes I can have the exact same drugs I'd get the legitimate way. I have a friend who gets muscle relaxers but doesn't use them all. I can call him and get a couple muscle relaxers faster than the pharmacy can fill my prescription (and that's not even including time to travel to pharmacy or the visit to the doctor to get the prescription in the first place). I just don't see why self-medicating is so demonized, especially when sometimes it is your only option. Is it better than I suffer? But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I managed to get a walk-in appointment at the clinic, which was great because I had a therapy session in the afternoon anyway. So I left my volunteer place early and went to the doctor. There, I was told to double up on the tramadol, and how much I could take as a maximum daily dose (400mg), although the prescription she wrote was 50-100mg three times a day as needed. She also wrote me for muscle relaxers, but told me to only take them at bedtime. I was trying to explain the uselessness of all this, but it fell on deaf ears. One of my biggest complaints about tramadol isn't its effectiveness, but its duration. Lately, it only kills pain for 3-4 hours at most, and you can only take it every 8 hours. The doctor said there is an extended release version, but she wouldn't prescribe it because my insurance didn't cover it. (I tried to explain I'd be willing to pay for it, and even discovered that 30 pills was around $100 at the pharmacy, to no avail.) And this was the afternoon, if I couldn't take the muscle relaxers until bedtime, what was I supposed to do all evening? *sigh* Either way, she gave me enough tramadol and flexeril to last until my first lidocaine therapy appointment in November.

She told me to go ahead and take a second pill (it was about 1500), and then I could take a double dose at 2300 along with the muscle relaxers. Only, as expected, by 1800 the effects of the meds had worn off completely and I was in terrible pain.

REVELATION: People view street drugs as inherently bad for you, and prescribed drugs (i.e. medicines) as always being good for you. Do they not realize sometimes these are the EXACT SAME MEDICATIONS just through different channels? And who hasn't had a bad, perhaps nearly fatal, reaction to a legally prescribed medication?

I'd been stiff all through therapy, during which my therapist did some hypnosis with me to try and help. It sure relaxed me, but didn't touch the knife in my back. She recommended I take my anxiety med (seroquel) because that would also loosen and relax my muscles. We also got into an argument about prescribed vs. street drugs. Of course she views street drugs as inherently bad, but I told her that drugs prescribed to me had done me more harm than any street drug ever had, and then I listed all the examples.

  • I've had worse hallucinations from Melleril than I ever had from LSD.
  • Thorazine gave me retina burn in my eyes; to this day I see sparkles when I look at bright white objects.
  • Wellbutrin made me suicidal and psychotic, and after I OD'd on it (trying to kill myself) I started having non-epileptic seizures, which have never gone away since then.
  • Other anti-depressants have also made me suicidal or more depressed, which could have been fatal.
  • The seroquel I'm on now is making me fat and diabetic.
  • Asthma medications gave me arrhythmias and sometimes those non-epileptic seizures.
  • Arrhthymia medication gave me migraines.
  • To date, three different drugs have given me an allergic reaction and hives.
  • Prednisone almost caused me to black out from a standing position. I have never fainted in my life.
  • Antibiotics give me frightful tummy trouble, from ulcers to watery diarrhea.
  • Ortho-tricyclen made me throw up uncontrollably. I wound up in the emergency room because of dehydration. It took over two bags of IV fluid before I could urinate.
  • temazepam caused memory gaps (i.e. blackouts) which I've never had from an illegal drug

Legal drugs, taken in the prescribed manner, have done more harm to me than a whole rack of illegal or improperly used other drugs. The only time street drugs have made me truly ill have been when they were cut with something bad, which is really an argument toward legalizing all drugs so they can be properly quality controlled.

I made tentative plans to go out and get high, but in deference to my psychiatrist's request, I went to the emergency room for one last try at effective pain management.

Normally I tell them immediately about my addictive personality, but I figured they would only try to sell me on the ultram which obviously wasn't working. And I could hear them denying some addict directly across from my room as she pleaded for pain pills (apparently she'd abused her last bottle of pills by a whole bunch, so they were refusing to write her any more). I ended up getting two percocets to take in the emergency room and a slew of hot/cold packs, which they were very nice about fetching (it was super slow).

The room was practically spinning after a tramadol at 1500 and two percocets at 1900; my back still hurt. The rest of me was fine, but that fiery hot poker in my spine, coupled with squeezing claws through the back of my rib cage just wouldn't let go. I started to cry in frustration. Seriously, who cries AFTER the pain meds have kicked in? I just knew I couldn't handle any more drugs (and stay upright, anyway) but I didn't know what to do, it just KEPT HURTING. So then they gave me some Valium to help relax the muscles (I don't think they keep muscle relaxers in stock in the ER) and that, coupled with some cold packs, finally eased up the pain.

Thankfully, I'm feeling much better today and haven't needed to take a single percocet. I did take a double dose of tramadol with dinner, which leads to my final revelation.

REVELATION: Tramadol/Ultram, despite being non-narcotic, is close enough to a narcotic to cause the dreaded itching. I'd never experienced it with 50mg, but 100mg seems to be my tipping point. I'm not hurting, but I've been doing nothing but scratch.

Tomorrow I will try to cover how to make a 'recovery schedule' and I might have more recovery tips. Peace!

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Mon, Sep. 24th, 2012, 04:17 pm
Weekend Check-In: Porn & Popcorn & Fallout

On Friday, rather than do my makeup run or stretch class to compensate for exercise I'd missed earlier in the week, I saw that Marie was having a bad day at work and jetted down there to take her out to lunch (what else are BFFs for anyway?). I came home and started puttering around, getting myself cleaned up, and picking out clothes to wear for Popcorn & Porn, the opening meet-n-greet for the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit.

I had a blast. Saw some funny things (like silent film porn), some truly ridiculous things I'd forgotten (remember Deep Throat? "Try it, you'll like it!" hehehe), and some actual quality stuff I'd never seen before (montages and presentation courtesy of Porno Jim). Put a bid down on a picture for the silent auction (which I won, next I'll have to arrange payment), drank too many overpriced drinks, gave back rubs, puffed on a cigar, and spent a bunch of time hanging out with my buddy Reid. Got spanked by Nina Hartley after rubbing Buck Angel's bald head for luck; I guess it worked! I was invited to Saturday's after-party but didn't think I'd be able to attend. I was right.

Spent all Saturday with a hangover turned migraine. Not only did I not get to the party, but I didn't even get to the book festival as planned to get my book signed. Theoretically, I should be more disappointed than I feel. After all, I still have a first edition hardback copy of one of my favorite books, to start off my book collection. Eventually, I want to have everything on my Kindle, but I want to have my most favorite books, or books that had an impact on my life, in hardback, on my bookshelf. I'd noticed that I stopped re-reading my favorite books again and again, and that's because when I'm done reading a good book nowadays I file it away electronically and don't see it. This way, books I truly enjoy will be sitting on my bookshelf for my eyes to peruse, even if I end up re-reading them on the Kindle.

Comprehensive List of Tasks (Friday)

  • run (makeup) = no
  • stretch class (makeup) = no
  • grooming = yes
  • nap / rest = no
  • Spanish = no
  • meal = no, nothing healthy

smoothie = no (gasp!)
Medication = yes
Sober / No Compulsions = no, drunk as a fiddle

TOTAL SCORE =  1.5 /11 = 13% wow that's bad, lol

So I also didn't get any pre-baking for SALT done. And I got a late start on Sunday and sent AgtOrange to the store while I changed the sheets, vacuumed, straightened, baked biscotti, made fresh salsa, pitted olives for a fresh tapenade, sliced cucumbers to flavor my 'spa water' (cucumber & mint), and set up the tables. I knew only 2-3 people were going to attend, but for whatever reason I still put out a pretty full spread; it was a nice selection of stuff.

The cumulative effect of this was to make Jade one tired gal. After my guests left I decided to tackle my nap before I did my Spanish, only my nap basically turned into an all-nighter. I was up long enough to drink my health smoothie and take my meds, and then it was right back to sleep. Much like this blog post, I wrote half of it and returned to bed, only now waking up at 1600.

Comprehensive List of Tasks (Sunday)

  • strength exercises = no
  • chores = yes
  • grooming = yes
  • nap / rest = yes
  • Spanish = no
  • meal (2 prep) = yes

Smoothie = yes
Medication = yes
Sober / No Compulsions = nah, had to try the Fireball whiskey that my friend bought, but it was just a taste

TOTAL SCORE =  8 /11 = 73% now that's better

For More Information:
Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit
Wikipedia Entry: Deep Throat (film)
Porno Jim
Reid Milhalko: Reid About Sex
Nina Hartley
Buck Angel

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Wed, Sep. 19th, 2012, 09:25 pm
Today's (& Yesterday's) Check-In: Praying in the Rain

Things were going well yesterday, I was totally on point with stuff, had exercised, eaten, and groomed before therapy. Then, two-and-a-half blocks from the clinic, the sky opened up and a deluge fell out. I was fairly wet within five feet of walking as I ducked into the nearest doorway to scramble into my rain jacket. The wind blew crazily everywhere. I tried to wait it out, but I had to go, so I ran the rest of the way. By the time I got there, the front of my pants and my shoes were dripping wet (because I was running, the back was dry, and I was just damp under the jacket). Of course, they had the air conditioning blasting.

So I waited thirty minutes wet, then an hour for therapy huddled under my jacket (she offered me an afghan, but it was too nice to drench and my jacket was just as warm looking), and another hour-and-a-half trip home, where I could finally get into dry clothes and drink some hot tea.

Needless to say, I lost all my spunk. And I still don't have it back. I just feel ... totally blah. No motivation. I want to hunker down under warm blankets and stay there for a year.

So that's what I tried to do today, although Facebook got in the way. And I have volunteer stuff tomorrow. Gosh I hope I feel better than today. I don't feel sick, mind you, just drained.

Yesterday's Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • strength exercises = yes
  • grooming = yes
  • meal = not really
  • Therapy = yes
  • nap/rest = definitely, after being in the rain
  • Spanish = no
  • meditation = no
  • coping = no, unfortunately, and this was an important one for Tuesdays

meal (smoothie) = yes
Medication = yes
Sober / No Compulsions = yes

TOTAL SCORE =  9.5 /14 = 68%

Today's Comprehensive List of Tasks (sick day)

  • grooming = no, but I will just before bed so I don't have to tomorrow
  • meal = not really, nothing healthy
  • Spanish = no

meal (smoothie) = yes
Medication = yes
Sober / No Compulsions = no, I should have been resting but spent too much time on FB

TOTAL SCORE =  1.5 /5 = 30% Wow, an epic fail on a sick day. Now that's something else. I really should have rested more since I feel this crappy.

Today's Revelations

Take care of yourself when sick, even if it isn't a cold. I should treat my bad flare days as sick days. I should treat my 'bleh' days as sick days if I have a reason for feeling bleh (such as spending time soaking wet under air conditioning). I don't have a cold now, but if I don't take care of myself I'm bound to get one. I just feel awful. Must rest, it's a long day tomorrow.

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Tue, Sep. 18th, 2012, 01:38 am
Today's Check-In (Monday): Tea For Two Hours

Well aren't I just the slacker. My calf woke me early this morning by cramping for no particular reason. I drank excessive amounts of fluid/water/green tea yesterday and I took all my supplements and had my fruit smoothie (plenty of potassium etc.). It just wanted to cramp, I guess. Having a muscle cramp is possibly the fastest way to wake up, faster than the loudest alarm or the smell of smoke. There is no instant of fog where you try to figure out who you are, where you are, or what is going on. You go straight from dead sleep to utterly awake knowing with all certainty exactly what is happening, do not pass go.

But it got me to stretch class, a feat only a muscle cramp (and threat of more impending if I didn't attend) could have done, because I was SURE last night I would end up hunkering down in bed with a bad flare day. It was a bad flare day, bad enough I rushed to take a pain pill directly after class (usually I'm pain free for almost an hour), bad enough that I will be taking another so I can sleep.

After class I met up with a FB friend (no blog name currently) and we had such a good chat we pretty much closed up the tea shop, and then headed out for dinner, which was pure Jade-poison on my part. Yummy burger, pepperjack cheese AND mushrooms. But I'm not doing too bad with it, I skipped fries for a baked potato and didn't get dessert. It's actually only now just starting to hit me, and I can tell my stomach is definitely not happy with its painful roiling around noises, but I've done much worse to myself (probably just a week or so ago).

So besides stretch and social time, I didn't really hit any marks on my schedule. I'm not displeased, though. I thought I'd miss everything because of the flare, but through stretch, good company, interesting conversation, and judicious use of painkillers I missed my tasks having an enjoyable time socializing and later reading/resting with a good book. And I don't think I taxed myself much really, so I'm pretty sure tomorrow I will feel much better, provided the weather doesn't totally turn against me and set my bones to aching.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • run = 1/2pts. I had to jog a couple blocks to hit the ATM and back for AgtOrange before he had to leave for work, so I did get in a good bit of running, but not my scheduled 30 minutes of running alternated with walking per plan.
  • stretch class = yes
  • grooming = not really, headed out directly after stretch (which leaves me sweaty icky) and have been too tired to heave myself into the shower or do anything but lounge about in my yoga pants. And I plan to stay that way too, until morning when sleep will hopefully make me feel better.
  • meal (1 prep/1 eat) = nope, made nothing and didn't eat healthy
  • Spanish = nope
  • nap / rest = kind of, 1/2 pts. I didn't nap, but I did lay and read with my feet propped up on the wall and a heat pad between my shoulderblades. Another FB friend said someone (dr?) had told them this was the optimal way to get lymph circulating or something like that. I dis-remember it except it was "thing I haven't tried yet to make me feel better". Figure it doesn't cost me anything but time, might help my legs, and at the very least puts some welcome heat on the tight spots at my shoulder blades, so I'll give it a week or so just to see what's up. Still waiting on referral for lidocaine therapy, and if that doesn't work I'm on to bee venom.
  • bar visit / socialize = I did, obviously, socialize.

Smoothie = yes, just finished it
Medication = yup, will in a second and then I will crash
Sober / No Compulsions = no drinking, not bad with compulsions really.

TOTAL SCORE =  9.5 /13 = 73%

Today's Revelations

If I space out the items in my orders, I could conceivably get a 'present' delivered to me every day, Monday through Friday. Amazon, where most of my items come from, tends to having everything shipped separately anyway, so I wouldn't be losing out or wasteful with shipping. I'm Prime anyway, so the shipping is free. All I have to do is order each item singly, one each day, and have them sent with the free 2-day shipping. I do love presents and packages in the mail, even ones with little stuff in them. You'd think it would lose its sparkle after awhile, but it doesn't. I loved packages (or any mail) as a kid, and I love getting presents in the mail now, even if they are from myself to myself. At least I always know what I want to receive or could use.

Still in bad flare day, and want my meds. Goodnight!

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Mon, Sep. 17th, 2012, 01:13 am
Today's Check-In (Sunday): Tea-Party Pre-Party

Really overdid myself Saturday, and got up to finish the projects this morning. Still, I've got some ideas on how to plan a better event while pacing myself, because of course the end goal is for me to have visitors and NOT overdo it. And I was epically glad that Tallcat clambered up onto the bed, because that gave me an excuse to climb aboard as well. It's the most comfy place I have in my house, painkillers aside. For the future, I need to make sure everyone reads the 'house rules' so they feel comfortable making their own drinks and snacks, and I plan on having an area (just bought a small folding table online) that makes it easier for them to do so. I need to work on my 'mini-tour' such as it is. Sure, it's one room, but I can explain where glasses & silverware are, or towels for spills, and how to work the remote control. It's impossible for me to play the traditional host-to-guest role without overdoing it (and paying for it later or the next day), so I want people to feel extra welcome, especially when it comes to the kitchen. If I can't feed people directly, they have to feel comfy raiding my fridge.

Had a bunch of late cancellations, which was a bit of a downer at first (until I realized I had a bag full of fresh biscotti, anyway) but it still was a nice dry run. I'd been debating the "booze or not" question and decided in favor of booze so long as it's special (i.e. esoteric) or served hot. If I start doing an iced tea (say, next summer) I'll consider some kind of cold alcoholic beverage, like mojitos or a specialty punch. This also gives me incentive to keep pushing ahead with the redecorations. This place is really going to develop from week to week.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • strength exercises = nope
  • chores = yup, changed to new sheets for the party, made the bed, picked up a little, and vacuumed the floor cushions and couch
  • grooming = yes
  • meal (2 prep/1 smoothie) = yes, finished the crostinis, made salsa & guacamole, and also had my smoothie tonight
  • nap / rest = no, I did not. In fact, I drank so much tea I'm not sure how Sunday naptimes are going to work out. Will have to switch up with white teas and herbal tisanes.
  • Spanish = no *hangs head* I been bad.
  • I also didn't do the optional SMART meeting, just a little revved up still. I think it's going to be Tuesday before I'm really on the ball.

Medication = yes
Sober / No Compulsions = fail, still on ebay finishing up the auctions (thankfully done with that expensive little phase) and still shopping for tea party stuff online

TOTAL SCORE =  7 /11 = 64% could've been better, I would have exercised if I had not overdone it yesterday

Today's Revelations

If you can't find a tribe, make a tribe. Every book I read tells me to find my tribe, whoever and whatever that may be. Sure, it's gonna be hard in DC, but I ought to be able to eke out enough people eventually, right?

Allow people to be. And RELAX. It's hard for me to just relax, to let things unwind as they should, especially when the plan starts to veer from an expected path. Right now I don't have an optimal setup for this Sunday event, so I'm a bit more hyper-vigilant about it rather than just letting it grow organically. I want my home to feel like this is just the place to be on Sunday, like heading to your favorite bar at happy hour or home for the holidays. "Sunday is just the day we go to Jade's house." Like that. Now, obviously not everyone will be here every Sunday, but I want it to feel like the comfortable fallback position when you aren't sure what you want to do but you want to do something that involves other people.

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