As announced, I worked my last full security shift during Adam's Morgan day. That was Saturday night through Sunday. I spent all day Monday bedridden and in agonizing pain. Got up in time to go to my therapist on Tuesday and discuss everything that happened. No major incidents occurred, but there were many little things. Stopped by Adams Morgan for a salad and then ended up hanging out in a couple of bars with various friends. Made it home much later than anticipated, which is the reason I slept in late today. I've gone to stretch class and that's pretty much all I'm going to do. This entire week is devoted to recuperating and getting the clutter straightened up enough that the maid can actually clean. Tomorrow, of course, is a busy day with HIPS and therapy AND a date. And then she's here Friday morning. So pretty much I have the rest of today.I am constantly amazed by how many flaws a person can have and not see them.
I rail against hypocrites, and yet sometimes I believe 'what's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander'. Although now that I think about it, that doesn't so much make me a hypocrite as make me UNFAIR, and I've never had many problems with the general unfairness of life. It just is. Either way, I see my flaws, probably more clearly than do others, and so it comes as a shock when someone is blatantly unaware of huge, gaping flaws in their own personalities.
You know that new guy who starts telling the job-veterans how to do their jobs better? People who have been there for years and do things a certain way because that's the way that works best? Shaolin was that guy, in addition to not being able to follow orders and generally poking his nose into things that were not the realm of security, let alone his concern. I didn't say anything, because first off it's not as if it would have changed anything (since he obviously wasn't listening to clear instructions, why would he listen to criticism?) and I couldn't think of any way to say it that would be kind. I am, very desperately, trying to be kind in my speech. Even now that the event is over and I'm not having my fur rubbed the wrong way, the only thing I can think to say is, "do you realize what an arrogant son-of-a-bitch you are?" I'm still trying to figure out how to say that nicely. I kept having random people approach me and say things like, "who is that guy and is he really necessary to this team?" or "who's that obnoxious [description] guy working with you?" And I wasn't badmouthing him, people were approaching me out of the blue and when they'd start talking, I already knew who it was about even before I asked for a description. Of course, Trouble still thinks Shaolin walks on water, and nothing anybody else would have said would have mattered. I still can't stand a hypocrite.
Trouble goes on and on about honor and keeping one's word, about loyalty, but when push comes to shove he's never paid me back for the loan, not even a payment, not a dime. AgtOrange says not to press, but he's months late from the date he said he was going to have it paid by, and all I get is excuses. In a reverse circumstance he'd be sure to tell me "not my problem" and that's pretty much the response I have. I don't give a damn about his excuses, they aren't my problem anymore. And it's not as if he hasn't been out drinking a few times since then, and I know his bar tabs. He could've paid back a sizable chunk by this point if he'd been so inclined. If he hasn't made a payment by December, I'm going to have to file a lawsuit. You know it's bad when your relationship ends in litigation. He was supposed to pay half the money back after the festival, but once again I get another excuse. He didn't make as much on the contract as he'd planned. Guess what? That's not my problem. I still have bad taste in men.
I thought I'd gotten over it with AgtOrange, but I guess I just got lucky. Trouble is almost a textbook narcissist and I didn't see it. He liked me best when I boosted his ego or improved his status, but when I did things that he perceived to be status-lowering, he got enraged. I don't even know if he knows this about himself. I'm not about to tell him; narcissists respond quite severely to criticism, real or perceived. Often times those were only his perceptions anyway and not truths, but in all honesty, even if I act a perfect fool in front of his friends, the worst most would think of him would be to think he has bad taste in women. Now that I'm on the dating scene again, I have to be totally cognizant of this facet of my personality. Don't want to make the same mistakes AGAIN.I'm still a crazy-magnet.
When Psycho found out I was single again, he was practically all over me. Sure, I think he's cute, but we are just acquaintances. His intensity is really putting me off. I have a boyfriend, thank you very much, a really, really great primary boyfriend. Sure, I'm looking for a secondary boyfriend or girlfriend, or maybe just some more chill friends I'm super-comfortable with. He went from a cute, chill guy I kinda knew to this intense, on-again/off-again attention needy person. Maybe it's just some pent up emotions that will subside, but if it keeps up I'm going to have to find a KIND way to extricate myself from that interaction. I'm my own person again.
I think Trouble has moved on, he may even be seeing the new waitress. Whatever. Sure, he still broke my heart and it still hurts, but I'm not going to moon forever. I've got a nice little boyfriend/girlfriend vacancy to fill, time on my hands, and a selection of seemingly cool (and attractive) persons of interest. It's a bit of an energy expenditure, to be sure, and one I probably can't afford, but it's only short term. I'll go out, meet some people, have some dates, try and have a good time, and maybe make some new friends. Something more might come out of that and it might not. And I can always use more friends anyway, so short of allowing myself to latch onto someone who isn't good for me, I should come out of this a winner no matter what angle you look at it from. And if he IS dating again, that pretty much gives me license to riffle through his cute, single friends like I'm going through a pack of playing cards. They're just dates, mind you, I'm not tramping about town (although would it really matter if I were?). Trouble has always known a ton of people, and now I know some of those people, and quite a few are single and very good looking. If it was going to be a problem, well he shouldn't have dumped me. I am not his problem anymore.
Worked Monday, where they graciously allowed me to pick up a shift tonight so that I could pay for a greyhound bus ticket to the shooting of the zombie movie. It's weird finally entering that working state where employees fight to work more. Every other job I've had, people generally fight to work less, whether less shifts, less performances, less customers. I've known that bar and restaurant staff often fight to pick up extra shifts, and how easy it is to drop a weekend shift for travel because others are glad to scoop it up, but I've never experienced asking for more work before.
I ran the gauntlet Monday, as usual. Picked up groceries, then ballet from 1830-1930, then a break for food, then 30 minutes of intense dancing by taking half of another class, then volunteering 2100-2215, then walking up to the GreasySpoon and working all night long, until 0700. Next, traveling to Kirby's for cleaning the GhostHouse, complete with a trip to the store for Windex, all told I cleaned from 1200-1500 (I did take a very brief nap when I first arrived). Then off again, to drop the groceries finally off at home, and head out for rockclimbing with a stranger from CL.
I was unable to belay. I could not remember my tie-in knots and failed the test. I felt really embarrassed and kindof guilty, but we did some bouldering and my forearms are still proving sore. Slept afterward, off and on through Wednesday, when I went to TGV to make up a couple of hours and then went to the Drag-King show at Club Chaos. I'd dragged Dragondog with me, on account I needed something like a car in which to stow my backpack (which weren't allowed). The show started an hour late, and we'd both planned on leaving before the time it actually started, but once it had begun there was no chance of us going. It was an amazing show, funny and entertaining and full of energy, much more fun than a Drag-Queen show. A good crowd mix, and no one minded that I came with a guy in tow. In fact, he knew more people there than I did (some of the Midnight crew showed up) despite never having been there. If I ever get the chance, I might throw down and do a skit, I could probably learn a mean 'Billy Jean' if I wanted and I have the right build for Michael Jackson. Dragondog and I had planned for me to crash at his place, this was really my first true 'date' since Commando finally called it irrevocably quits, and cuddle up. Only, despite whatever I'd said previously, Dragondogs idea of cuddle up is more like cuddle up and make out. One, I am NOT terribly touchy feely in general, and he is -- an obvious problem. Two, if I choose to be touchy feely, I want to be the one initiating contact and not vice versa -- all contact, always. Three, I treasure sleep like nobody's business these days. There is a point where I only want to cuddle if the opposing party ISN'T MOVING because that annoyingly keeps me awake, and, unlike Dragondog and most normal people I know, I cannot sleep in fits and naps all night long. It takes me a good 30-40 minutes to fully fall asleep.
Sad really, I liked Dragondog, but I can't do holding hands, or PDA, and while I logically knew I was safe sleeping over, my gut didn't feel safe. Of course, sleeping single I generally have my knife strapped to my hand, so that shows how much my gut knows. Either way, I had nightmares all night about feeling trapped, or making some terrible error, or one in which I stabbed Dragondog and couldn't control my hands, and I knew the evening wasn't going to work out.
I don't want to be in another relationship, and don't plan on being in one, but I wouldn't mind finding a temp-to-semi-permanent cuddle buddy, and by that I meaning cuddling without the making out parts, which I was totally uninterested in at that time. I should call Sweetie for such things, I suppose, she's always been a great snuggler.
Mon, May. 28th, 2007, 09:52 pm
Rice or No Rice
Thursday morning I headed out to Feng's place. I've been promising to help her clean around her house (five kids) in exchange for free yoga lessons. Lately, I get paid more in barter than in cash. I had meant to do it before I left to see my family, but then had forgotten (so had she, for that matter).
"Are you really going to help me clean my kitchen?"
She raised her arms and thanked heaven.
"I've been praying for a little help, and I didn't know where it was going to come from."
"Yes, well, I know you needed help and I needed your help too, so here I am."
And I did need her help. I needed a wise female soul who I could talk to that didn't have any vested interest in the outcome. I needed the feeling of surprising calm I feel in her house, despite having all the kids/teens underfoot and animals everywhere. She cooked, we cleaned and talked, and did yoga later and I think both of us came away with something positive. I will certainly have to do this more often.
Point of Wisdom #1: About the Spider Bite
Feng: Wow, what could you being doing that the universe had to bite you in the eye for you to change what you are seeing?
Now I'm pretty much a skeptic when it comes to coincidence, or universal messages, but I suppose it doesn't hurt to always have a 'sign from the universe' telling you to wake up. If one lived one's life in constant awakening, it could prove nothing but beneficial. I didn't look at it this way until she pointed it out; I know things are really screwed up but I still can't see my way clear. I remembered the dream I had about the spider in Feng's house, and that proved a spooky enough coincidence. Feng epitomizes all that I feel about feng shui.
I never believed in feng shui when I started using it, but I figure it couldn't hurt anything and then it strangely worked, so I kept using it. Do I believe in it now? I'm not sure, but it seems to work whether I have total faith in it or not, so it doesn't hurt me to keep using it. How many feng shui consultants do you know who will say that?
I don't believe half of her total reason, or her portents and signs, but they seem to work anyway. I don't think that a facial spiderbite is a wakeup call from the Divine, but it doesn't hurt to be awakened to the places I'm screwing up in my life.
Point of Wisdom #2: My life
Essentially, we decided I did need new living circumstances and probably a new job, but the question remains of what I want to do. The 'how' was never in question. I talked to Feng about firing my therapist. Feng told me to go to the library and read Color My Umbrella which is supposedly the handbook of career counselors across America. This is more useful to me than all the crap the therapist told me. Feng showed me the spiraling downfall of my life. I can't get out of my toxic circumstances because I keep getting sick, but I keep getting sick because I live in toxic circumstances.
Me: I can't decide what I want to do.
Feng: That's great, you're still in the experimental stage of your life. It's a wonderful place to be in, where you can always try new things and explore.
Point of Wisdom #3: Men
I miss Commando still, and Loopy also, but Commando and I had more history. He is still a gaping hole in my life. I told Feng:
"I feel like I'm surrounded my sharks or hyenas circling. I've gone on dates with some very nice guys, and I know it's just me, but I don't want anything to do with these guys."
"You aren't just pushing away the nice ones, are you? Girls do that."
"No, I mean I am, but I don't want to deal with ANY guys right now, I'm having problems even talking to guys."
"Oh, you just need to take a break then." Which was something I already knew.
The wierdest thing came from the rice. She was making lunch for everyone and started cooking.
"I really need to go to the grocery store today or tomorrow. I keep thinking of all these dishes I could cook now that go great with rice, and then I remember I'm out of rice." Later, one of the kids tells her they had a big bag of rice in the back pantry. Feng goes back and locates it.
"Here I was, so sure I had no rice, when really I had tons of it all along," she says, lugging forth a ten-pound bag. This was moments after we had discussed the spider bite and how I needed to wake up and take a look at my life.
The mirror of this occurred that night, while working the desk at the DanceStudio. I walked in, debating on whether I could spend half of the money in my pocket (a whopping four bucks in change, which has to last until payday) on my favorite Thursday snack, a box of plain fried rice. I decided I could not spare the cash, and would have no rice. Only when I got to the studio, my coworker informed me that she had saved a thing of chicken fried rice, because some earlier dancers had ordered Thai and there had been surplus.
Maybe the universe does work in spooky ways. All that time, going to the Studio, I'd thought I'd have no rice, but then when I got there I had an abundance of it, and yummy to boot. That night I also felt a sprinkling of whatever electicity I'd thought I'd lost with a certain someone who gave me a ride home. Of all the nice guys, he's the only one I don't look at as a shark.
Is my rice bowl overflowing and I just don't see it?