I've been sick for so long wellness seems like a dream I had, a fond memory long gone in another lifetime. Everything changed, my schedule had to be adjusted for extra rest, fewer fun activities, and more recuperation time afterward. Yet I'm still determined to get better, so much so that I still hope to attend "bodyguard bootcamp" in the fall, along with regular college classes.
It was disheartening to learn some of my friends don't believe me. They think I'm just a hypochondriac, that the constant joint pain and fatigue are nothing more than lack of motivation. I won't deny a certain human laziness when it comes to things like doing chores or studying, but when I'd rather sleep than dance or spend time in a beautiful park? Yes, I get depressed and that makes me more tired, but it is because I can't do what I want that depression first sets in.
I love to eat but I'm often nauseaus now and lack of exercise is making me fat. My stomach always hurts. I hate being out of shape.
I don't have the energy to take care of all my chores to my own satisfaction, meaning I have to live with a less than sparkling kitchen or a dusty home at times and this makes me dissatisfied with my home.
Everything takes so much energy! I can't go shopping for more than an hour because my ankles kill me. I can't surf the internet some days because my hands hurt too much to navigate a mouse and type. On bad days I need help to open jars, which really pisses me off since the ability to open any jar (from my pharmacy days) was a point of feminist pride for me. Dancing is out, so I have stopped going to clubs because I found it depressing to watch without participating. My retired father walks circles around me when we go for morning strolls at the mall.
My balance is messed up. I fall on things and over things. I have to use a straw to drink from a glass so I don't smash the glass on my teeth. Sometimes the straw stabs me in the tongue. My hands drop things.
Concentration is difficult. I have a hard time learning things. Everyday things sometimes slip from memory. College classes loom impossibly difficult in the near future. How will I be able to study and learn?
This is not 'just growing older' as some people say. I know something is WRONG. I don't know what it is, but I am hopeful the doctors can help me before too much of my life slips away. Friends who don't believe when you are sick are not the kinds of friends to keep.