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Sat, Jul. 7th, 2012, 10:49 pm
Today's Check-In (Saturday)

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • grooming (success = tanned, bathed, whitened teeth) -- if you are wondering why this is a separate category, you have never suffered from debilitating depression
  • meal prep (success = fruit smoothie, caramelized onions, tomato/basil pasta)
  • Spanish (success = repeated lvl 13 twice, I'm still stuck on this lvl and have been for weeks)
  • meditation (1/2 success = did a little on the metro waiting for the train, but not the full time I was supposed to do)
  • HUG = (success, of course! gotta love touch therapy)

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = yes
Compulsions = yes, and by golly it was SOOOO hard to walk past the Indian store and not stop in for some jewelry to match the outfit I'm wearing, not to mention that cute black dress I saw at a different clothing store
Extras = yes, finished reading that dumb workbook Stop the Chaos (didn't do any exercises) just so I can go on to something worthwhile tomorrow

TOTAL SCORE = 12.5/13 = appx. 96% SUCCESSFUL

Revelations Today
Much of my self-esteem is tied into my outer appearance. I feel much better about myself when I like how I look. It's less about how I'm dressed than whether I am athletic, thin, and golden tan. I like looking and feeling strong. My preferred level of thinness is slightly less than what my friends think looks good on me (hey, I thought I looked my best that one week I squeezed into a size 4, usually I am a 6-8). And when I am tan I don't look so sickly pale (although I hate my freckles). So I'm vain. So what? At the end of the day, my mental health is going to override whatever chance of skin cancer I might pick up from the sun, and I'm already vitamin D deficient despite taking supplements. Looking good is a motivator to keep me exercising; why not use my vanity in a positive way? Let's face it, cardio-health is NOT the reason that is going to keep me on that treadmill.

It all comes back to containment or distraction. No matter how much I say it, it is still a revelation. My entire existence revolves around these two principles. I'm either trying to contain some aspect of myself or the situation, or I am trying to distract myself. Focusing isn't hard for me, but I have a really hard time relaxing or focusing on nothing. My mind has got to learn to slow down.

I am not good at sitting on the sidelines. AgtOrange decided to make me a co-founder of his new company. He filed the paperwork with LegalZoom today. Despite it being just a company on paper so far (no revenue, no bank accounts, no contracts, etc.), and despite the fact that I know nothing about what the company will eventually produce, I couldn't just let myself be a co-founder in name only as expected. I immediately thought up an idea for our logo based on what he had told me about the company name and ideals. I'm kind of interested in having input to the mission statement and our plan for the future. This 'responsibility' has been thrust at me, and I feel compelled to at least take up a little bit of it even though my ability to make a valuable contribution is minimal.