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Tue, Jul. 10th, 2012, 11:38 pm
Today's Check-In (Tuesday)

I'm tired today. I'm completely worn out. My bones ache; my soul aches. I spent a large portion of the later evening staring at nothing, too tired to even think. Can't say if it was because of therapy, having a guest over, too much shopping, or simply that I woke up at 0700 after AgtOrange elbowed me in the head.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • strength exercises (completed, but I still couldn't do the pushups. Next week I start the pushup program again, only it will be at a higher level because I am restarting able to do more pushups in a row than I could the first time around. Really feeling those squats, too.)
  • grooming (basic & teeth whiten/cleaning)
  • meals (did not have a morning smoothie, but did make myself shrimp pasta tonight, sort of a cross between primavera and arrabbiata sauce #nomnomnom)
  • Spanish (did level 14 again, epic fail. I confuse comprar and pagar, mess up the order of words in questions, and don't always remember to match my adjectives to the nouns.)
  • chores (success One of the students from my massage school came over to do some homework on me, so I wanted to make sure the house was neat. Had to clean the kitchen again this morning, straighten the living room, and work on more paperwork. I did NOT get that done in time to take it to the lawyer's office when I went to therapy, but I did tell the aide to schedule me for some time next week. I'm pretty sure if I work hard at it I can be done by then.)
  • coping (half-completed, I only read a little bit of the Recovery Options book. It was mostly a chapter on what to do if your loved one is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = success

No Compulsions = ahahahaaaaa yeah right. So after buying some more tshirts online today (because, you know, I have all that extra closet space), I decided to get a couple more of the paper lanterns to fill out the room. Also found out that I'd need more splitters, extension cords, and light fixtures/bulbs for the larger pieces. And then I had to buy some closet hooks for my hat collection while I was there, and then an umbrella because I was out in the rain, and then some chocolate because it was just one of those days. TOTAL SPENT = $230

Extras = yes (hung one of the strands of lights, nearly poking out AgtOrange's eye when he came to investigate, with a high-velocity projectile pushpin that shattered what I was trying to pound it into plaster. It was at this point I decided maybe safety glasses were a good idea. Luckily, he was okay, although there may or may not be pushpins rolling about free on my floor somewhere. I put the broken/bent ones into my sharps container. Volunteering at the needle exchange has benefits.)

TOTAL SCORE = 11.5/13 = 88% SUCCESSFUL but I'm totally beat as a result.

Revelations Today

My therapist figured out why I've been ramping up the compulsive shopping. It's not just the 'high' although that plays an element. I don't have flashbacks (which have been flaring up) when I'm in shopping mode. Not only is all of my external attention diverted when I am buying stuff, but my internal attention is also hyperfocused on what I'm going to do with the stuff I buy. There simply is no room left to play that awful motion picture in the back of my mind, which lately has been going nonstop... unless I shop.
Funny note, after discovering we both like the same kinds of books, she gave me a list of her favorites to buy. I got to call her an enabler today.

"When you recognize that relapse is actually a part of the recovery process, not a sign that recovery has ended, your options for dealing with addictions greatly expand." -- #quote from Recovery Options

"Denial is not unique to addicts--in fact, it is a normal human coping mechanism.... Unfortunately, some people in the drug-treatment field have pathologized denial and placed a great deal of emphasis on the idea that it needs to be broken down. Such counselors believe that a person needs to admit that he or she is an alcoholic or other addict before recovery can begin. Interestingly, research has found that this is actually not true--those who agree to call themselves 'addicts' or 'alcoholics' are no more likely to get clean and stay that way than those who do." -- #quote from Recovery Options

"Also, contrary to the idea that the more people lose, the more likely they are to recognize that recovery is necessary, research finds that those who have lost the least are the most likely to recover.... In fact, having something left to lose is a better incentive to staying clean than having lost everything." -- #quote from Recovery Options

So I learned some really good stuff, because I have many people in my life who are substance 'misusers' in addition to a couple of addicts/alcoholics. I now have a whole new set of skills for dealing with their behavior in a non-confrontational way that doesn't add to MY stress level and is also more helpful to them, whether or not they decide to change.