Therapy and reading this book brings me back to the crux of the matter. I'm tired. It's not that I'm afraid of failure so much as I don't have the energy left to even put forth the effort. I don't WANT to try anymore, fail OR succeed. I'm exhausted. I just want to rest. And so much of my suicidal thoughts and behaviors stem from the fact that every day is just so damn hard and takes so much work and never, ever, do I get nearly what I want to do done.
Partly that is because I try to do too much.
Partly it's because of this wretched debilitating illness that robs me of my energy even as it robs me of my sleep.
And finally, with the baggage I carry, it's amazing I ever made it this far. They tell me I can let go, and afterward, it won't be so hard, but I can only take that on faith. So far there has been no proof and so far I know of no one who has carried PTSD/DID for this long who is now completely able to let go. The longer you carry it the harder it is to release, and I've got nearly thirty years of dragging this emotional crap down the lane. I'm not even sure what it would feel like not to be weighted down. My whole personality has been shaped by trauma. Because no one protected me, I learned to protect myself. Because no one protected me, I wanted to become a protector. It is in everything I do or try to be. When the trauma you have faced has shaped you so intrinsically, what happens when you let go? Will I no longer experience the things that motivate me? Will being powerful, strong, and in control of the situation cease to be my driving force? And if so, what WILL be my driving force? Will I even have one? Or will I lose all ambition because frankly, I have never been a person who is motivated so much as driven.