I went to the memorial, got drunk, laughed, cried, cried while laughing, hugged everyone I knew, hugged some people I didn't know, and at the end left feeling both incredibly depressed and yet more alive and closer to KT than ever, because she was everywhere through me and around me while I was celebrating her life and I knew it was the last shindig I was gonna throw with that particular sista. I felt her there; I believe she was there.
Then in the morning I get a message from Trouble that I was drunk and insulting and I just fell apart completely. So no check-in yesterday, none today, I'm just not doing it. Maybe none tomorrow.
He gave no explanation, says he is furious with me but has no time to talk. Was I insulting because I was drunk? Because if so, I think he's wrong. If it had been an 80-year-old church-going grandmother then yes, I would have been WAAAAY out of line. But this was KT! Maybe I didn't know her all that well, but from what I knew of her she was fun-loving, caring, and full of life. So if I hurt someone by my actions, I apologize, but just to them alone. At the end of the day, how I acted was a result of two things, a)how I process pain, and b) my relationship with KT. And I know she wouldn't have wanted me in sackcloth and ashes and black crepe, sitting around with my thumb up my butt and feeling sorry for myself. Even so, now I feel like a shitty person on top of being sad.
So even though I'm not doing anything I'm supposed to, I still have a revelation for today.
Suicide isn't the selfish act many folks think it is. See, common consensus so far is "they are in so much pain they can't think about how we'll miss them and how much it will hurt us". But I've been on that side of the line and if anything, I was acutely aware of how much I would be hurting those around me... but in the end I figured they'd be better off without me because they would continue to live and laugh without the weight of my pain dragging them down. In fact, I've come to think of it as an unselfish act. You want those around you to be happy, and you believe that you no longer have something positive to give to them, that they gain no happiness overall through your suffering. You want them to go on without you; you don't want to be a burden any longer to those you love. Every case is different, of course, but I feel this is incredibly true when you are in a long-term illness.
Through it all, you are not attempting to hurt them, but to free them, in the same manner as you free yourself. So for everyone out there who has someone they love kill themselves, especially someone who has been in pain for a very long time, I beg you to try to get past your hurt. Because they regret having to cause you pain, but thought it would be best for everyone. It's a painful gift that is given, but a gift nonetheless, possibly the only gift that person thought they had left to give.
Hugs atcha KT, see you when I get there!