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Fri, Jul. 27th, 2012, 12:02 am
Today's Check-In (Thursday)

Had an appointment with the shrink today, so I wasn't volunteering even though surgery was rescheduled for tomorrow. Other than that, much time spent in bed.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • grooming = success, finally got up and de-grunged myself, also trimmed my nails
  • volunteering = no, but I'm giving myself a few points for the doctor visit
  • Spanish = worked on lesson 15, but did not do the extra Spanish I generally schedule for Thursdays, so half points
  • meal = no cooking, no healthy meal

Medication = took the nighttime, didn't eat breakfast so couldn't take my vitamins, half points
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = yes
No Compulsions = yes, doing good here, yay meds
Extras = read through my latest coping book even though today I don't have to, so that's an extra point

TOTAL SCORE = 8/16 = 50% half done is half begun

Today's Revelations

It's really hard to free yourself from addiction when your emotional support group is mostly the people you got high with. My therapist and I talked about this on Tuesday. I knew I didn't have enough sober friends supporting me, but it hadn't occurred to me that I did have a bunch of not-sober friends who support me when I'm upset. If I turn to them for support when I'm emotionally askew, I enter into an environment of drug use and abuse when I am already at a fragile time. It's a double-whammy. And I don't feel as strong a connect with many of my sober friends, with one notable exception -- the folks I've met in various mental wards. Being trapped together and forced to deal with problems together is a strong emotional bond, even though most of the time you will never encounter those people again. I really need to join that CFS support group and GO TO THE MEETINGS. More SMART Recovery meetings probably wouldn't hurt either.

ANNOUNCEMENT! My shrink says she is very impressed with my progress. I talked with her about an issue I had with something she said last visit, which was "I cannot continue to treat you if you are not totally abstaining from drugs" which she then rephrased as "that at least has to be the endgoal" but either way, I heard the ultimatum and my kneejerk response was to think "fuck you, fuck therapy, I'm gonna go get high." Which I didn't do. I told her, for future reference, she might try rephrasing that in a manner I could accept, such as "it's really hard to treat you if you are using drugs or alcohol, because they interfere with your medications and it's hard to know when a medication is working". She said she was really impressed by three things:

  • I didn't storm out of the office.
  • I didn't go get high or drunk. I was able to rethink the process of my thoughts.
  • I came back and addressed the issue with her in a positive manner (thank you, recovery books, you are already helping me!!)

The revelation here is by learning how to support other people in need, I have learned positive ways to enlist people to support me in my own recovery. How you help is often just as important as if you help.

I used a technique recommended by many therapists, the 'when you do this, I feel this' scenario. When you say that, my initial response is to ________. In the future, it would be more helpful to me (or I would be able to hear you better) if you did _______ instead.

This leaves the option of change entirely up to that person.

Another variant of this is "In the future, if I do this [usually an inappropriate behavior that you would like to address in yourself], it would be helpful if you would do this. Is that okay with you?

Also, it's important to enlist social aide to bring bad habits to your attention. A few of my distressing habits I've asked other people to point out whenever they hear them is my tendency to say "dammit" and "yeah".

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