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Thu, Aug. 2nd, 2012, 11:40 pm
Slowtime Check-In Day 7 of 14 (Thursday): Suckerpunched by Depression

The stitches come out tomorrow so I have to get up early. It itches more than it hurts. I should be happy. I slept well again, and I've been taking my medication. Yet, for no fathomable reason, I became achingly depressed somewhere around midafternoon and I can't seem to climb out of it. I tried some quick fixes, I analyzed everything to figure out where it came from, and all I get is a big goose egg all the way around.

I drank a bunch of fluid to make up for my slight sunburn (just on my chest and belly). I even covered the red area and went back out for awhile in case my vitamin D was still too low. I cooked a vat of veggie-heavy bison pasta. I ate a bar of expensive chocolate. It made me feel better while eating it, but moments after each chunk was gone the glum returned. Music didn't help, and neither did a refreshing shower. Creativity and art just dragged the pain out for a spin. It isn't time for my hormones to go off. Hot tea was only mildly soothing, even while wrapped in my cozy blanket. I cleaned the house up a bit, despite my movement restrictions, and tackled a little paperwork. I should feel accomplished, not lonely. And if it was just loneliness, the hugs from AgtOrange should have cured it, but I didn't want them. I didn't feel like talking to anyone or calling anyone really, either. In fact, I want to be alone... except I'm depressed and lonely and that doesn't make a lick of sense.

Maybe it's because the friend who said they might stop by didn't. Maybe it's because I miss Trouble; I am still grieving the end of our relationship. For awhile I even thought it was chemical dependence. For the past week I have been consistently on painkillers and today I didn't need any. Decided if it was just a chemical withdrawal, I'd go ahead and take just half a pill and see if that helped (like the crazy episode with the trazodone... how in heck does a body become dependent when your only taking 100mg?!) but it didn't. My shrink and I now know I have to taper every medication that could possibly have physical withdrawal symptoms, no matter how low the dose is, because my body apparently adapts a little too well. No point in giving myself a seizure or anything.

What I do know is, I have to get up early and get these stitches out. Then I'm going to putter around and baby myself for half a day. But if I don't feel better, or if I feel worse, I'm heading straight to the emergency room to check-in for the weekend instead of waiting until I go berserk and try to kill myself again. My therapist would be so proud.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • grooming & wound care = success
  • eat healthy meal = success
  • Spanish = no, haven't touched it
  • coping = yes, read a little (1/2 pts)
  • paperwork/emails = yes
  • Movie review = yes
  • fun reading = yes
  • meditation = not enough to count, no points

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = yes
No Compulsions = I'm actually too depressed to shop. This is serious.
No Strenuous Acts = eh, maybe I did a little more than I should have (1/2 pts)
Plenty of Fluids = yes

TOTAL SCORE = 12/16 = 75% amazing considering how low I feel.

Today's Revelations

Sometimes you just feel blue. Okay, that's not a revelation. It's something I've known about myself for years.

The mystery of why I feel like this remains unsolved, but it's a riddle that must be tackled. In the meantime, I can't seem to think. Revelations are as far from me as stars.

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