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Tue, Aug. 7th, 2012, 09:10 am
Slowtime Check-In Day 11 of 14 (Monday)

Didn't do much yesterday. Having stayed up late watching Curiosity touch down on Mars, I slept in late. Had to purchase a few items online, where I got stuck in Facebook. Then a friend offered to come over to watch Olympics with me, and that tied up the evening besides making a quick round at the bar just to say hello.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • grooming & wound care = yes
  • eat healthy meal = yes
  • Spanish = no
  • coping = no
  • paperwork/emails = yes
  • Movie review = no
  • fun reading = no
  • meditation = no

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = yes
No Compulsions = with all that online shopping? Because, you know, an ice cream maker is a totally necessary purchase.
No Strenuous Acts = no, I still did more than I should have, mostly cleaning up around the place and whatnot
Plenty of Fluids = yes

TOTAL SCORE = 6/15 40% gonna be really dedicated to finally reaching goal today, since I haven't managed it so far during slowtime. Maybe I scheduled too much for my recovery.

Today's Revelation

It's fun to have straight friend girls. Up until this point, most of my "friend-girls" (girls who are friends but not girlfriends aka "FGs") have been bisexual or lesbian. There is all this talk saying 'everyone is the same' yadda yadda but if that were really true we wouldn't need friends at all. Overall, I have found that heterosexual females tend to have a very female gender expression and they like things that stereotypical 'girly-girls' like i.e. shoes, nails, shopping, hair, and talking about boys. Even though I look very feminine, my psyche is very male, and a half hour conversation about shoes is liable to put me to sleep. It's not that I'm particularly biased (oh, you're straight? well obviously we can't be friends), it just happened that girls I got along with were almost always bisexual, with one or two lesbians. A surprising number of lesbians have this man-hating chip on their shoulder, which is as blatantly unattractive as talking about a nail salon; I think this has less to do with them being lesbians as it has to do with douchebags offering to 'turn them straight' or trying to negotiate threesomes all the time.

Every time I hear "you just haven't found the right man yet" I want to say "you're right, and I still haven't" and pointedly stare at them with the snob face on, but I don't think those dudes would get it.

It's a little weird sitting around talking about boys; I'm so used to hanging around guys and visually ogling girls. Partly it's because the things I find visually attractive in a man aren't the things I look for in someone I want to be with or even have sex with. Muscles and flat abs are extremely sexy to admire, but I prefer guys who are a little less muscled for snuggling. I don't find the sensation of rubbing up against muscle to be particularly appealing, not without at least a small layer of fat over it. And my big draws, broad shoulders and big, rough hands -- well, a person can look good without either of those things and I can totally acknowledge that without actually being physically attracted to them. Just as I can admire a girl's impressive cleavage and it really has no impact on whether or not I find them personally desirable.

Lately, however, I seem to have a slew of friend-girls who are totally heterosexual. One could argue that all girls are inherently bisexual, but then one could argue a plethora of things that aren't true. I've always felt that argument to be more wishful thinking on somebody else's part and just because a girl might experiment i.e. "I kissed a girl" does not make her bisexual. It makes her either curious, insecure, or an attention-hound. And it's fun to hang out without quite so much testosterone in the air, I don't feel the need to 'compete' in the same way I do when I'm in a group of guys.

In a group of guys, I always feel like I have to prove that masculine psyche of mine. In a group of straight girls, I've always feel like I have to downplay that same side to fit in. Not to mention, the number of friend-girls I have lost when they found out I was bisexual is fairly high. We go from friends to them suddenly being uncomfortable with me, as I everything I do is really some sneaky tactic to get them into bed or see them naked. Just because I'm bisexual does not mean I want to sleep with every girl I see, or every guy I see, or that I want to have a threesome with anyone (because I don't). And, unlike most guys I know, nudity by itself isn't a turn-on for me. I used to work in a strip club, for crying out loud. I've seen more hot chicks in every state of undress than I can even remember, and after awhile it just becomes background noise.

It's pleasing to suddenly have FGs that will, say, come to me for help in a clothing emergency. I had a friend not too long ago, who was wearing a garter (and it was not her usual mode of dress), who had that garter come unhooked in the back and needed someone to help her fix it. So we went into the bathroom together and I had to reattach it under her miniskirt. All that was fine, until we hopped out of the bathroom together and everyone in line was going 'ooooooohhhh' -- like I want to have sex in a dirty bar bathroom. Gross. At the time I didn't think much of it, but now I realize that none of the straight ladies I knew before would ever have asked me to do something so risque as reach under a miniskirt to fix an unhooked garter. Why, I might take liberties with their personage!

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Wed, Aug. 8th, 2012 07:27 am (UTC)

Sounds like a Cable TV Show ... Sex in the Dirty Bathroom