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Wed, Aug. 15th, 2012, 02:07 am
Today's Check-In (Tuesday): Where am I Going and Why am I in a Handbasket?

Must be that I've upped the new meds and my brain just can't seem to function through it, because I'm just spacing out today. Woke up early, 0630 (when I didn't have to be up until 0900) and couldn't get back to sleep despite being dragged out tired.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • strength exercises = so I did the pushups and squats, but got distracted before I got to situps and somehow forgot to do them. Went to use my iPad tonight and the situps program was still open and then I realized I never did any. Wow, dunno how that happened, and now it's too late (situps just before bed? not a good way to relax for sleep). 2/3 pt
  • grooming = yes, although I didn't get to my toenails like I wanted, that was technically an extra
  • meal = ate a healthy meal, but didn't cook the minestrone for tmrw as planned, which means I'll have to start that right after stretch class. 1/2 pts
  • therapy = So forgetful I couldn't remember what time my appt was and had to call and ask. I go every week, what the heck?
  • Spanish = didn't feel well, passed out in bed, still don't feel great 0 pts
  • vocals = since I did the laundry today (and it was not a chore day), I'm actually going to swap this with tomorrow and instead of chores tomorrow, I'm going to do my vocals
  • writing = I can't seem to escape the research, even for fantasy fiction. Trying to write a selkie story and end up checking on the habits of harbor seals so I can get it right. Absolutely not going to set it in Scotland or Ireland or anywhere specifically on planet Earth, because that would take so much research I might never get it started.

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = yes
No Compulsions = yes, although I spent some of today unconscious
Extras = does taking a nap instead of my other scheduled tasks count as self-care? Nah, passing out with Kindle and iPad after too hot a bath (they make me extra tired) doesn't count. But talking to my social worker, setting up a legal appointment for next week, getting the number for the people who keep turning down one of my meds AND printing out the 16 page form needed to get subsidized Lyrica... that counts. And so does stopping by the pharmacy and having some good coffee-chat time with TallCat.

TOTAL SCORE = 11.166/13 = 86% -- just have to remember I did CHORES today and need to do VOCALS tomorrow

Today's Revelations

Boys in this town do not have social introduction skills. This is why DC has a high predominance of bitchy women. Spraying my legs (I was in shorts) with a squirt bottle and telling me I was so hot you thought I needed to cool down? NOT the way to get a girl's number. Seriously. Just not.

It's nice to get noticed for something other than my ass. Why I love short shorts.... So I have a huge tattoo on the back of my leg and I have to wear short shorts to display it properly. A group of guys actually didn't pay me any attention as I walked past until I heard someone say "Damn!" and after his friend prompted him, "Look at that tattoo!" Also had a guy in a business suit coming up the escalator go, "that's an impressive tattoo." Because of it, I actually tend to get harassed less than when I'm wearing more conservative clothes. The comments go from 'hey baby' 'hey sexy' 'hey gorgeous' (all of which I detest) to, "woah" *mutter* *mutter* and then they tend not to say anything, at least not to me. I like that just fine.

Therapy isn't fixing hardly any of my faults; it just makes me not mind having them. Let's face facts. I'm not being negative on myself when I point out my flaws, I'm being realistic. I don't pick up social cues. If you want me to keep something to myself, you have to tell me specifically before you say whatever, "I want you to keep this between you and me." I will not be able to infer you want things kept private, because I don't keep anything in MY life private. I do respect other people's privacy as a general rule, and there are a few people that I simply don't say anything about. It's that nebulous grey area where some things are okay and some things aren't; why make it confusing for me? I have a big mouth. A big, BIG mouth. But if it is really important, just tell me it's a secret (remind me, actually) and I will take it to the grave.

I am egocentric. I'm not narcissistic; this does not hide some bizarre inferiority complex. If you saw me next to my mother, you'd think I was Mother Theresa in comparison, but by the rest of the world's standards I'm as self-centered as a spinning top. It's all a matter of perspective. I believe I am responsible for my own little universe, what I see and interact with daily. Now that said, I respect egocentricity in other people. My universe revolves around me, but your universe revolves around you, and if each of us take care of our own little universe we will get along just fine. When you try to invade my universe, I will bite. And if I start to infringe on your universe, tell me and I will happily back off and let you do your thing, because you have respected me enough to let me do mine. The problem with this is again a matter of social niceties. If you don't tell me I'm stepping on your toes, I won't know. In my family, everyone ended up trying to talk over one another at the same time and somehow we all got heard. You have to make yourself heard over the crowd. So often, I have the very bad habit of not allowing other people to speak. It's not that I don't value your words, it's that I'm used to people taking the right to speak when they have something to say, rather than waiting for someone to hand them what they already have the right to do. If you cut me off and what you have to say is interesting, I probably won't even notice I've been cut off. Many people find this rude; I am not trying to be. I cut people off without thinking, because something they have said (yes, I WAS listening) sparked something interesting in my head and I wanted to share so we could build up some conversational construct together. It's when I don't have anything to say -- it doesn't mean it is because I'm listening, it means you've said nothing of merit or interest to me.

Likewise, I don't look at people when they talk to me. I can't, generally, and understand what they are saying. Sometimes if there is just too much input, I will turn my ear way over to them like I'm deaf (sometimes I just can't hear). But generally, if I'm looking at a person and trying to nod and smile, I can't do those things, focus and give eye contact, and actually listen to what you are saying. If I'm focusing my eyes on you, it all sounds like 'wah wah whaaa' from a Charlie Brown cartoon. When my eyes are unfocused and sort of gazing off in the distance, it doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. In fact, I'm paying the MOST attention then because I've 'turned my eyes off' so I could hear you better without any visual distraction. I can really only concentrate on one sensory input at a time with all my attention, although I can somewhat scan for danger and hold a conversation, because that scan takes minimal input.

I can be selfish. I can be giving. This is entirely subject to my whim and has nothing to do with the relative merits/demerits of the receiver (or non-receiver, as the case may be). For that matter, I run entirely on whim, compulsion, and emotion. I am creative, not consistent.

I love structure, both only self-imposed. I love to organize and reorganize things. I'm OCD. When I find a system I like, everyone around me had better stick to it unless they have some system that works better (and they best convince me of why). If it is just a matter of opinion, my way works because it is my way.

Don't ask me for directions. I can get lost in a wet paper bag, with a compass, flashlight, map, and guide dog. It doesn't matter if it is somewhere I go every day. I can still get lost. I will probably call YOU asking for directions. The only time you should consider asking me for directions is if you think I'm home and you want me to MapQuest something and guide you there over the phone. Yes, I still use MapQuest and not Google Maps. Why? Because I've had better luck with it and it gives me walking directions easily. I often use it in conjunction with Google Street View, though.

I am indifferent to recycling. I do recycle, but I also drink bottled water (you can't drink DC tap, it is full of lead and other heavy metals). I recognize that by not having children, my overall environmental impact is less than yours if you have only one child, even if I drive a Hummer run on Spotted Owls back and forth through my apartment just to get to the bathroom. If you have more than one kid, I could flush full bottles of insecticide down the sewers and probably still have less overall impact. That's just the facts. And just because I'm opposed to breeding in general doesn't mean I will deny you the right to pop out as many pups as you want, but don't kid yourself into thinking that if you teach your child steps to reduce their impact that it somehow makes it okay. Because that's bullshit. Teaching a child to recycle and compost and grow their own food is good; but at the end of the day, it's practically a joke compared to the amount of environmental damage they will do over a lifetime, and over their children's lifetime. Just say, hey, I wanted kids for my own selfish enjoyment/self-fulfillment and I love the little morpions, deal with it. That I can respect. I can respect a little selfishness and would rather see that over self-delusion any day.

Sometimes I'm a hypocrite, but I try not to be. It isn't because I'm lying, it's just I'm governed by whim and sometimes change my mind midstream. What's good for me isn't necessarily good for you, anyway.

I'm often silly and childish. Playtime is fun. I go to every extreme; it's how I find balance.

I like pets more than people, even pets I generally don't like (cats, why are all my friends cat-lovers? I treat cats the way they treat me, we understand one other and have a generalized mistrust. I just recognize the psychotic murderer in them, because I'm never self-delusional.) I hate iguanas and think armadillos are nasty. They look cute in cartoons but not real life. Bugs are gross. All bugs are gross, except maybe ants. I think butterflies are hairy worms with wings and don't understand why folks are so fascinated by them.

And the list goes on, but I'm not sure I am awake enough to list everything. I like good food. I'm a picky eater. I eat meat. I know that farm animals wouldn't exist except I want to eat them. I believe in treating farm animals fairly; they die for my enjoyment. I acknowledge that living beings DIE purely for MY PLEASURE. I see nothing wrong in this, mostly because I believe nothing ever really dies. If everything really lives in some form or another, forever, then you can't actually kill anything. So just because you ingest some meat, doesn't make it dead.

I am painfully honest. I rarely lie, but I don't always tell the truth either.

I wander off in the middle of trains of thought. Goodnight.

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Sat, Aug. 18th, 2012 12:30 pm (UTC)
jadxia: From Misty Moonlight

"I wanted kids for my own selfish enjoyment/self-fulfillment and I love the little morpions, deal with it. That I can respect. I can respect a little selfishness and would rather see that over self-delusion any day."

Why the hell else would you have kids?? - nobody gives birth to lower their carbon footprint. Giving birth is a right of passage for a woman and the the deapest connection she will ever have to any other being ever, I don't care how in love you get with anyone - ever.

I, for one, wish that I had been born just a few years later and had known that I had a choice in the matter. I think it's great that people can choose now to not have kids - if you did it in my era, you must have some low egg count or something. I don't know if I would have had children or not - I just wish I had a choice.

Plus - Asbergers and self centered go hand in hand. You don't have to come up with reasons for that one - it's just you. ;)

"autism (n.) 1912, from Ger. Autismus, coined 1912 by Swiss psychiatrist Paul Bleuler (1857-1939) from comb. form of Gk. autos- "self" (see auto-) + -ismos suffix of action or of state. The notion is of "morbid self-absorption."

Sat, Aug. 18th, 2012 12:43 pm (UTC)
jadxia: Re: From Misty Moonlight

Most of the time I don't feel like I have that much of a choice. There's really a ton of pressure. My family has this notion (subconscious, but still there) that a woman's worth is tied up in her mother-ness.

I remember coming out as gay and my dad telling me, "you're just wasting your life." (I first came out gay, then bisexual.)

And being with a boyfriend, everyone asks me "so when are you having kids?" Heck, people ask me that even if they don't know I have a boyfriend. When I explain I don't want any, they always tell me, "you'll change your mind in a few years" which pisses me off to no end. Pul-ease, you read minds and the future now?

Sometimes the societal pressure is so great, and it WOULD be nice to teach the next generation, etc, that I actually consider the matter. I pick up on the wistfulness and nostalgia of everyone else. Then I get around a child. I DON'T LIKE THEM. I think babies are nasty little creatures. Everyone tells me "it's different when it's your own" but all the ladies I know are ooh-goo-gaga whenever they see a baby, except me. I don't want to hold it, or touch it, or make stupid faces at it. I've learned to vaguely smile or wave hi-bye because that is what is expected. I think they are gross, like cockroaches, they are ugly, and they smell terrible. (My sister says she loves the smell of babies; I personally think they smell like baby powder, shit, and sour milk -- all things I could arrange to have without a baby if I thought it smelled all that good.)

Kids are only tolerable when they are potty-trained and start talking. It's when they have an opinion that I start noticing them as worthwhile, even though I still don't know what to do with them. I'm not good at 'play'. I've thought about having foster-kids, older ones, like preteens or teens. And then I just think I'll write, because this is another way to share things I've learned and it doesn't require constant supervision.

Sat, Aug. 18th, 2012 12:44 pm (UTC)
jadxia: Re: From Misty Moonlight

And despite what people tell me, I don't actually think I would be any different if it was my own child.

I can't think of anything worse than having a child you don't want or love.

Sat, Aug. 18th, 2012 10:07 pm (UTC)
misty_moonlight: Re: From Misty Moonlight

Well, children can be the greatest love or the greatest heartache - sometimes both at the same time. The moment that sticks out most to me about the societal pressure happened in a woman's studies class which was about feminism. We got to the talk asbout child birth and I said something similar that I said to you and then soemone else said their sister had chosen not to have kids, and the VERY NEXT comment was "I bet they found out they can't have kids and are just saying that."

It's a huge pressure and stuns me that it's still that way. I don't like children either - I had 5 of them, but I could have done without. Sometimes they seem like the biggest gifts in my life and sometimes i'm full of guilt because i'm not a good enough mother, and sometimes I feel like they're holding me back from living. For the most part I love and adore my kids, but I really loath other people's children. This is not the house where kids come over to play - I don't like tham and they know it.

Sun, Aug. 19th, 2012 05:22 am (UTC)
jadxia: Re: From Misty Moonlight

That's really common among moms, vague resentment at times that their kids hold them back... but most don't have the guts to come out and say it. (Way to be honest! I love honesty.) It's the pressure on moms to love their children, but just because you love them doesn't mean you have to LIKE them every second of every day. I mean, some days I wanted to cook my house rabbit, but I loved the little bugger.

Same with the boyfriend. I love him to pieces, but he was a lazy slob when we met and he's still lazy, but just because I don't LIKE him from time to time doesn't mean I don't LOVE him. I think folks get that confused, as if love has to be peaches and roses, or at least some melodrama. It's okay for love to be BORING sometimes; it's a relationship, not an amusement park.

You're not missing anything by having a family; every now and again I get the feeling I'm missing out by NOT. And as for not being a good-enough mom, who is? There will always be a supermom that shows you up, just like there is always someone smarter, better looking, etc. As long as you do what you can, that's good enough. It sounds like you are doing a heck of a lot better than I would be!

Though I get what you are saying about wanting the CHOICE. One day, it really will be a choice but it isn't yet. Oh sure, there is this FANTASY of a choice, but when it really comes down to how people act toward me... it's just assumed that all women want children. I hate that. The only times I've ever considered even having them is for someone else, or because someone has tried to glorify it. And then I remember what helping my sister with my nieces/nephews was like and I snap out of that, even though my niece is the spitting copy of me. As much as I love her, I'm still glad she ain't mine.

Just like when my ex told me I'd love venison if I only had it the way he made it, and how so many people who hated venison liked it when he cooked it. He talked me up so much I finally tried it again and guess what? I DON'T LIKE VENISON. I can't imagine not liking something my whole life and then magically liking it. The few people I've considered having children for, I've stated that they best have a nanny until the kid is school aged, because I have a feeling it would be the same. People talk up motherhood, how much I'd enjoy it when it's MY child, and then the little morpion would pop out and WHAM, I'd realize I STILL DON'T LIKE THE KID. And wouldn't that be a tragedy?

I wouldn't love my child just for being genetically related to me. For one, I'd be reminded of my shitty family; I think I'd love an adopted child MORE. I dislike my mom and only love one of the three siblings. I don't hate the others. I'm ambivalent. Of the six genetic nieces and nephews, I definitely love three, I'm iffy on two, with one left I don't care about either way.

It sounds mean, because I'm supposed to love my family. I just don't; they feel like folks I have a societal obligation toward, same as coworkers. I do what I feel obligated to do (my sense of fairness, justice, and obligation is pretty epic). We have nothing in common; what's there to like just because of genetics and the fact we have history? I have history with a ton of folks I flat out dislike, history means nothing.

The same folks who tell me I will certainly love my children are the ones who act horrified when I say I don't love my mother. I don't love her, I don't like her, sometimes I feel pity but mostly I just want to avoid her. She was a wretched mother and she's a fucked up crazy person, so sometimes I feel pity. "But she GAVE BIRTH to you" they say, and my response is "yeah, and she didn't do me any favors there either." As a child, I used to hate her, but as I've gotten older I've grown out of that into ambivalent dislike. She's not important enough for me to hate. I did vow to piss on her grave after she died, and I mean to keep that vow, but not because I hate her... just that same sense of obligation to keep the promises I make. It works both ways.