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Tue, Aug. 21st, 2012, 11:13 pm
Today's Check-In (Tuesday)

I just realized I have a doctor appointment every single day this week (M-F). Now it's become a full time occupation. Wowsers. So yesterday was neurology, and today was therapist and legal. Tomorrow is my regular doctor, Thursday is the shrink (I think) and Friday I go back to the therapist. That's right, we finally coordinated schedules. I will now be seeing my therapist twice a week, yay! (I'm not a patient person, I want to be fixed and I want to be fixed now.) Therapy went well, and the visit with the lawyer went well. I should have one more legal appointment before we are ready to roll with it. Discovered I should be getting about $400 a month, how the eff does anyone live on a pittance like that? Also, I will have to apply for food stamps and I might have to see one of their doctors if they request it. Even though I don't need food stamps, it's part of the deal that any 'alternate assistance' you are eligible for you have to apply for. They do this because they assume you are broke, so your disability isn't supposed to cover food (or housing, etc). I'm a special case, but the bureaucracy is such that I had to sign saying I'd look into getting food stamps I don't need. Whatever.

Everyone still swears I should be able to get on Federal Medicaid without getting SSDI, but every time they try it seems like a dead end. Even the lawyer was surprised. It's so stupid, I have to be declared disabled so that I can qualify for coverage to get treatments and medications that will enable me to work. What... the... fuck. And the sad thing is, in order to keep getting those treatments and medications, I can only work a little bit so I can stay qualified for disability, even though it is possible I could get better enough that I could work full time, only then I would lose the SSDI, and the Medicaid, and not be able to get treated, and not then be able to work. If we had government health care this would not be an issue. *sigh*

Still fighting this sinus thing, which is leading to headaches and general blah. AgtOrange has bronchitis, and I'm sure this sinus thing is turning into a chest thing for me as well. After the meeting with the lawyer, I went to the bar and had my friend fix me a hot toddie. She makes them better than I do; it was delicious. I also picked up some medicine for AgtOrange and took a decongestant myself. Now I'm making him oatmeal for tomorrow and goofing off.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • strength exercises - with the headache I had this morning, I'm surprised I got out of bed a minute before I had to = no dice
  • grooming - success
  • singing - no
  • meal - nope
  • therapy - yes
  • Spanish - nope
  • writing - nope

Medication = yes
Sober (no drinking/drugs/cutting) = no, but the hot toddy was worth it
No Compulsions = success
Extras = legal took up some time, so yes

TOTAL SCORE = 6.5/15 = 43% I really gotta get on the ball at some point

Today's Revelations

I feel good about myself when I help people, but I don't need to help people to feel good about myself. Or at least, if I felt good about myself in general, it wouldn't be tied to that. Otherwise, I'd be back to seeking approval from others that it is okay just to be myself, something I do too much of as it is now.

Phatic communication. So I was asking my therapist why people seem to need all this stupid chit-chat, please and thank you, how are you when they don't really care, etc. I mean, what is the point? I've never gotten it. Never. It seems so contrived and fake and awful to me. She was trying to explain some socioliguistics and why folks might need 'phatic communication' a term I'd never heard before today. Basically, it means small talk, or talk designed to ease an interaction between strangers. Honestly, I still don't get it, but I'm trying to understand.

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