Despite deciding NOT to go forward with the tea parties at this time, I couldn't resist looking up sugar cubes, fancy honey, fancy sugar containers and tongs. Not to mention bed hangings, etc.
Comprehensive List of Tasks
- run = yes
- stretch class = there wasn't one because it is a holiday, null points
- grooming = yes
- meal (1 prep/1 eat) = ate at Noodle Company with Tallcat, and made a smoothie later
- Spanish = worked on lesson 17 some more
- nap / rest = yes, a long glorious nap
- bar visit / socialize = I'm counting Tallcat as my socializing for the day, which is good because I don't have the energy to go out tonight
Medication = yes
Sober / No Compulsions = my only fail of the day, too much Facebook and too much window shopping online
TOTAL SCORE = 9 /
I'm ashamed to admit I can't take care of myself anymore. The ad I answered about the maid got a response. She emailed me some references, but now I'm scared to call them. I have a weird phobia about talking to strangers on the phone. Maybe AgtOrange will take pity on me and call. I'm also developing this anxiety about having a stranger in my home. So there is anxiety about that, anxiety about having someone clean up after me and go through all of my stuff, anxiety we won't be able to communicate (that my Spanish and hand signs won't be good enough), anxiety about having someone else see how messy/dirty this place can really get, etc. etc. Not to mention wondering if she really is reliable, honest, trustworthy, and does a good job. There is also a touch of depression. I take pride in doing good work, and now that I don't have a job my only 'work' is stuff around the house. So it's another notch on the pole of disability. By having someone help me clean this tiny apartment, I'm announcing that I can't keep up and I just can't manage it anymore. While that is true, it's a really, really hard thing to admit.
I keep trying to tell myself that lots of people have maids, even those who live in tiny apartments. Heck, I WAS a maid. It was something I did part-time to supplement my income. But people who have maids are generally too busy to clean or they have really big houses. I can't say that. I have all the time in the world to clean. It's the energy I'm lacking. And the ability to some extent. Half of me feels like a snob for even talking about needing a maid, and the other half feels like a failure for needing a maid. AgtOrange said maybe I should hold off for a bit then, but this apartment isn't exactly going to clean itself.
Love and Hate are two sides of the same coin. This weekend I'll be working the last Adam's Morgan Day with Trouble. I still miss him, I still love him, and yet there's a part of me who hates him for hurting me. Every time we talk, some small part of me hopes we'll get back together. At the same time, that hurt part hopes on his next beach trip he falls off the boardwalk into a swarm of jellyfish where he's carried out to sea, raped by a shark, and hit by a submarine. To top it all off, we'll have a guest working with us, none other than Shaolin.
I really want to work this event, because it's the last one with all my friends. But it is going to be so hard; I'll be trapped between heartbreak and arrogance. Going to spend the week cultivating my anger and disgust just so I can make it through the weekend. I can have my pity party later.