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Thu, Sep. 6th, 2012, 01:22 am
PROFOUND Check-In Today (Wednesday): Be Grateful For What You Wish For & Artist Finds Her Medium

Woke up too late to run before stretch class. Other than that had a great day and got everything else done. I actually did try to pop into the gym before it closed, but only one treadmill was working and someone was on it. However, since I don't volunteer tomorrow because I have an appointment, I can do my run in the morning. How is it that all these machines keep breaking? I'd hate to get a gym membership just for the treadmill. It's a crappy gym we have nearby anyway.

Comprehensive List of Tasks

  • run = couldn't, but I'll make up for it tomorrow (carry over points)
  • stretch class = yes
  • grooming = yes
  • meal (1 prep/1 eat) = yes. While I did do something horrible and went to McDonald's for lunch, I made up for it by making healthy pasta for dinner.
  • Spanish = yes, and I think I'm ready for lesson 18. I'll try it tomorrow and see.
  • nap/rest = yes
  • coping = yes
  • meditation = yes, did two fifteen minute chunks while stuff was cooking
  • chore = cleaned out the fridge, and took out all the trash/recycling (including having to cart down the busted cabinet two shelves at a time).

Medication = yes
Sober / No Compulsions = yes

TOTAL SCORE =  12 /1312 = WOOOHOOO 100%

Today's Revelations

When I was a teenager, I used to envision what my perfect life would be. I didn't dream about white weddings or Prince Charming. In fact, often times I was single. I pictured a strong, secure female, rich of course. I had small condos in all my favorite cities and one big house on a huge piece of land on the plains somewhere. The house was enormous because it had lots of room for guests, a library, a game room, and a ballroom. The hallmark of success for me is having a house with a ballroom for dancing. At different times of the year I would fly around the country, doing whatever it was I did for work (probably singing), but what I was most noted for was the wonderful parties I'd throw in my big house. They were always original and fun, with interesting like-minded people. If the party was themed (say I wanted a Victorian England party), I would provide costumes to choose from for my guests. I had a special chef that would come in for just such occasions, and during the day there would be plenty of activities for leisure.

While walking home from the metro, after stretch class (the perfect time for ruminating), I had two startling and very profound revelations.

It may not be how I envisioned it, but I'm about to achieve everything that is important to me. I don't have to work. The only work I do involves helping the underserved. I have plenty of time to be creative, write, and sing. I don't have to hide my true self from future employers, online, or anywhere. I have the freedom to say whatever I want, whenever I want, and just to be fully me all of the time. Maybe I don't have a grand house or condos everywhere, but I am working on a space where my friends can gather around me. So what if it's because I'm disabled and have a hard time going to them; not everything is like you daydreamed it would be. I have a fabulous boyfriend and some really awesome regular friends too. Sure I'm plenty flawed. I get depressed, I get anxious, I have PTSD and a bunch of other problems. But it's the flaws that people love you for, its having problems that has brought me the support of these wonderful friends. If I were well, they would never have felt the need to rally around me like they did. We might have grown apart naturally, as each pursued their own. I certainly would never have realized how amazing they are, and I'd probably still be traipsing around following them on their endeavors rather than sitting back and allowing them to bring their joys and sorrows to me.

I'm not going to pretend that having a debilitating, painful illness is all peaches and roses. It's sucks plenty big time. But I've ceased to believe the phrase "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." Well I'm getting it and while it's not what I thought it would be, it still is pretty fucking wonderful. I'm so grateful my life has turned out this way. I know that nothing lasts forever. Hopefully, though, I will get some time to enjoy what I have. I'm going to make the best of this.

I've finally found my artistic medium. Much to AgtOrange's dismay, I've never understood the point of art for art's sake. I love when beauty meets function, but at the end of the day, if it doesn't serve a purpose, what good is it? That's why I don't get sculptures or paintings. I'm just as happy with bare walls. Most of the stuff I do pin up is for some esoteric reason of feng shui. I'm balancing the qi using representational art. So it might have a non-traditional function, but it's got a function nonetheless.

My artistic medium is events, specifically throwing parties. You see, I don't view a party as a gathering of my friends to have a good time. Sure, I enjoy those also. But when I really plan an event, I take into account the interests of the guests. My guest-list is carefully planned so that people will have like interests to talk about. I might not invite a really good friend because I don't feel they have much in common with the other guests, likewise I might invite someone I don't really know because they do. There is often times a theme to the event, perhaps multiple themes, and everything from seating, to food served, to music or entertainment is carefully planned so that each guest comes away feeling like they really had a good time, were able to participate to the level of their comfort (I often plan for a mix of introverts and extroverts), really related to someone else, and perhaps even made a new friend or two. I put less effort into events when I was an event planner than when I planned the apartment-warming after I moved in with AgtOrange. For those kinds of events, you have the severe drawback of having to invite specific guests who may not like or even know each other, and who sometimes have nothing in common. You throw them together, add booze, and hope for the best. I hated being an event planner. It was cookie-cutter awful and generally involved me telling people 'no' all the time. No, you can't squash fifty people into a room built for thirty, even if the smaller room is cheaper and everyone is thin. No, we don't do tableside cooking demonstrations. No, we don't have a violinist so we can't have anyone serenaded, and no, we will not change the music selection for the entire restaurant just because it's your anniversary. No, you may not have a hundred-dollar bottle of wine for eighty dollars, and I don't care how many bottles you buy. No, you may not bring in food from outside, what is wrong with you? This is a restaurant, how do you expect us to make any money if you aren't buying food or drink from us?

For me, an event is art. It serves a purpose. A successful party opens up people to new ideas and concepts, it enriches their lives, it makes the world just that much brighter of a place. It's a full sensory experience combining visual beauty, emotional depth, social connection, pleasant auditory stimulation, a variety of interesting foods, and it's all interwoven with some new perspective about the world. It's both mentally stimulating and fun. They aren't just parties, they are experiential art events.

Right now I just have one room to work with, but one day soon I'll have a whole house. And there will be a dance floor. And it will not be just a party.

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