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Wed, Sep. 12th, 2012, 04:31 pm
And So It Goes, Not My Problem

As announced, I worked my last full security shift during Adam's Morgan day. That was Saturday night through Sunday. I spent all day Monday bedridden and in agonizing pain. Got up in time to go to my therapist on Tuesday and discuss everything that happened. No major incidents occurred, but there were many little things. Stopped by Adams Morgan for a salad and then ended up hanging out in a couple of bars with various friends. Made it home much later than anticipated, which is the reason I slept in late today. I've gone to stretch class and that's pretty much all I'm going to do. This entire week is devoted to recuperating and getting the clutter straightened up enough that the maid can actually clean. Tomorrow, of course, is a busy day with HIPS and therapy AND a date. And then she's here Friday morning. So pretty much I have the rest of today.

I am constantly amazed by how many flaws a person can have and not see them. I rail against hypocrites, and yet sometimes I believe 'what's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander'. Although now that I think about it, that doesn't so much make me a hypocrite as make me UNFAIR, and I've never had many problems with the general unfairness of life. It just is. Either way, I see my flaws, probably more clearly than do others, and so it comes as a shock when someone is blatantly unaware of huge, gaping flaws in their own personalities.

You know that new guy who starts telling the job-veterans how to do their jobs better? People who have been there for years and do things a certain way because that's the way that works best? Shaolin was that guy, in addition to not being able to follow orders and generally poking his nose into things that were not the realm of security, let alone his concern. I didn't say anything, because first off it's not as if it would have changed anything (since he obviously wasn't listening to clear instructions, why would he listen to criticism?) and I couldn't think of any way to say it that would be kind. I am, very desperately, trying to be kind in my speech. Even now that the event is over and I'm not having my fur rubbed the wrong way, the only thing I can think to say is, "do you realize what an arrogant son-of-a-bitch you are?" I'm still trying to figure out how to say that nicely. I kept having random people approach me and say things like, "who is that guy and is he really necessary to this team?" or "who's that obnoxious [description] guy working with you?" And I wasn't badmouthing him, people were approaching me out of the blue and when they'd start talking, I already knew who it was about even before I asked for a description. Of course, Trouble still thinks Shaolin walks on water, and nothing anybody else would have said would have mattered.

I still can't stand a hypocrite. Trouble goes on and on about honor and keeping one's word, about loyalty, but when push comes to shove he's never paid me back for the loan, not even a payment, not a dime. AgtOrange says not to press, but he's months late from the date he said he was going to have it paid by, and all I get is excuses. In a reverse circumstance he'd be sure to tell me "not my problem" and that's pretty much the response I have. I don't give a damn about his excuses, they aren't my problem anymore. And it's not as if he hasn't been out drinking a few times since then, and I know his bar tabs. He could've paid back a sizable chunk by this point if he'd been so inclined. If he hasn't made a payment by December, I'm going to have to file a lawsuit. You know it's bad when your relationship ends in litigation. He was supposed to pay half the money back after the festival, but once again I get another excuse. He didn't make as much on the contract as he'd planned. Guess what? That's not my problem.

I still have bad taste in men. I thought I'd gotten over it with AgtOrange, but I guess I just got lucky. Trouble is almost a textbook narcissist and I didn't see it. He liked me best when I boosted his ego or improved his status, but when I did things that he perceived to be status-lowering, he got enraged. I don't even know if he knows this about himself. I'm not about to tell him; narcissists respond quite severely to criticism, real or perceived. Often times those were only his perceptions anyway and not truths, but in all honesty, even if I act a perfect fool in front of his friends, the worst most would think of him would be to think he has bad taste in women. Now that I'm on the dating scene again, I have to be totally cognizant of this facet of my personality. Don't want to make the same mistakes AGAIN.

I'm still a crazy-magnet. When Psycho found out I was single again, he was practically all over me. Sure, I think he's cute, but we are just acquaintances. His intensity is really putting me off. I have a boyfriend, thank you very much, a really, really great primary boyfriend. Sure, I'm looking for a secondary boyfriend or girlfriend, or maybe just some more chill friends I'm super-comfortable with. He went from a cute, chill guy I kinda knew to this intense, on-again/off-again attention needy person. Maybe it's just some pent up emotions that will subside, but if it keeps up I'm going to have to find a KIND way to extricate myself from that interaction.

I'm my own person again. I think Trouble has moved on, he may even be seeing the new waitress. Whatever. Sure, he still broke my heart and it still hurts, but I'm not going to moon forever. I've got a nice little boyfriend/girlfriend vacancy to fill, time on my hands, and a selection of seemingly cool (and attractive) persons of interest. It's a bit of an energy expenditure, to be sure, and one I probably can't afford, but it's only short term. I'll go out, meet some people, have some dates, try and have a good time, and maybe make some new friends. Something more might come out of that and it might not. And I can always use more friends anyway, so short of allowing myself to latch onto someone who isn't good for me, I should come out of this a winner no matter what angle you look at it from. And if he IS dating again, that pretty much gives me license to riffle through his cute, single friends like I'm going through a pack of playing cards. They're just dates, mind you, I'm not tramping about town (although would it really matter if I were?). Trouble has always known a ton of people, and now I know some of those people, and quite a few are single and very good looking. If it was going to be a problem, well he shouldn't have dumped me. I am not his problem anymore.


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Wed, Sep. 12th, 2012 10:09 pm (UTC)

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Thu, Sep. 13th, 2012 01:37 am (UTC)
jadxia: Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.