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Wed, Dec. 26th, 2012, 02:49 am
What Is Wrong With Me, That I Did Not Judge Thee

So far, I'm only critical of hypocrites, and I already admit to my own bouts of hypocrisy without even a tinge of remorse. I compartmentalize, no one ever said I was consistent. Heck, my opinion even in this post might change tomorrow, who knows? Lately I'm made more and more aware that the more a person criticizes others, the more they are really finding fault with themselves. Up until very recently, I was probably the hardest person on myself that it was possible to be on one's self. I didn't have low self-esteem as many people kept saying, quite the opposite. I believed I was capable of impossible things (in other words, I had extremely high self-esteem), but only laziness and lack of willpower or fortitude or whatever kept me from doing those things. So I would punish myself for not achieving impossible things. And by punish I mean cut, bathe in ice or otherwise freeze, burn, torture, and attempt to kill -- all because I believed I could do the impossible and for whatever reason had just given up too soon. Add this to fibromyalgia and a fatigue so intense I could not even do the ordinary, let alone the extraordinary. My loathing for any sign of weakness spiraled me into an out-of-control depression that lasted many months. Finally, finally, I am beginning to shed that old, constricting snakeskin and let go. I cannot do it. I cannot. This is not a sign of low self-esteem. This is a sign of weakness. This is a sign of limitation. For me, this is a sign of health. Do not tell me 'never give up'. Your vast and vaunted realm of dreams, while worthy inspirations for many, will only lead me toward an unhealthy path. Better I accept and make do; better I become aware of what my body can and can't handle.

Today, at least, I'm made fully aware of how the criticisms of others has absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the lives of others. I didn't call you to wish you well for a holiday I don't even celebrate? Funny you should complain and yet not pick up the phone.

I've been accused of being judgmental by someone who, at least at the surface level, was really judging me. And I feel less like they are judging me, than judging themselves and coming up short by their own reckoning. And my only fault was putting my nose into that mess and I just came away feeling sticky; it's a mess that has nothing whatsoever to do with me but I'm stuck giving off a reflection I'd rather not. I have to stop looking at things logically and pointing out the realities and expecting people not to react to emotional things in emotional ways. Only the outsider can be sensible about a situation. I see a thing is red like a tomato and I say "it's very red" and suddenly everyone assumes I don't like the color red or I'm trying to imply that somehow red is nasty, red is bad. But what can you do? If you say something, you are judging, and if you don't say anything, you are still judging with your silence or even worse, you aren't listening or paying attention. It's enough to make you avoid a person you would otherwise want to spend time with, just so you don't upset or offend them because that's the last thing you want to do.

Not to mention the weight of several whirlwind situations rather close to me, none of which seem to have good outcomes and in all of which I am thankfully only a bystander. A part of me actually feels a little left out. Some of these people associated are very close to my heart and I'd like to be more involved in their lives; their lives unfortunately only contain drama. It may be years before they have positive things cultivated that are shareable, or in some cases they grow distant when things are going well and I know it is best for them if I simply welcome their absence.

And I know people are being sympathetic when they look at my 'plight' but for the most part I'm simply taking things as they come. There are some new things (this dratted stomach issue) that are suckage right now, but the overall of it isn't so bad. It's kind of great, actually. I don't make these kinds of judgements any more.

I mean, if I hadn't gotten sick and developed an unholy chronic fatigue, I'd probably still be punishing myself every time I failed in some monumental and totally impossible task, and hating myself for not living up to my own internal inflated image. I really believed that people, all people, were capable of these incredible things, but only personal 'weakness' and 'laziness' kept them from it, and I detested it in myself. I never considered that the actual sensation of fatigue was a survival mechanism from the body and one that I probably should not have fought how I did all those years. My illness is in part correlated to adrenal fatigue, stress, and years of self-punishing behavior and lack of necessary resting time.

There are so many ways that my illness has been both a good thing and a bad thing that I could never untangle or process it; it's just a 'thing'. It's some reality I face in my life that I've finally come to accept and for the most part work around. Sure, some days I resent it and some days I'm quite happy to sleep all day long without regrets, but on the whole it is neither positive nor negative. I wish more people would come to understand this about chronic illness in general, both the ones who are sick and the folks around them. Sure, it may take disabled folks a bit more help to do things that normal people do, but that doesn't make being disabled inherently bad, it just makes our lives and life experiences different than normal.

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