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Wed, May. 8th, 2013, 12:18 am
Frustration Conundrums

It occurs to me that my biggest problem is my low frustration tolerance. I never knew just how many people around me weren't so bright. I'm constantly trying to explain things to people who are incapable of grasping concepts I find simple, and becoming more and more agitated and stressed. I never understood why they didn't "get it" and always assumed the failure was on my part, that somehow my inability to communicate was something I was doing wrong.

In part, it is. If you cannot get your point across, the failure to communicate is always the fault of the person speaking. Always.

But regardless of that, maybe I should let it go anyway. Because it never occurred to me that maybe half the people I was so desperately trying to get to understand me just weren't smart enough to ever do that, no matter how much I tried or how frustrated I became. Teaching has never been my strong suit to begin with, so maybe I should leave those concepts to a better teacher, and instead confine my friendships toward those who at least can grasp the things I'm trying to say.

Out of all of this, at least I've come to understand something about myself, and something I think is going to be essential to those friendships I maintain.

There is a side of me that can entertain almost any notion, logically. Now, I rarely do what is logical. The side of me that ACTS is run by emotions, instincts, hormones, and whimsy. I often have no idea exactly why I did something at some particular moment in time other than "it seemed like the thing to do." But the side of me that THINKS and contemplates, does so completely separately from the emotional traffic jam that is the rest of my corporeal being. Often times I find myself doing something that, logically, just makes no sense at all, and knowing that, still find myself doing it anyway and not knowing why.

This gives me the ability, not a unique one by any means, of divorcing myself from an idea or concept and looking at it rationally, without actually believing in it. I can pretend to believe in it for a little while, and see where that avenue gets me. I can play devil's advocate; I can walk another man's mile. And I think that, above all things, is going to be the single most important criteria for judging who to keep and who to distance myself from when it comes to my relationships with other people. If you cannot remove yourself to another person's point of view, not even for a space of time long enough to grasp another man's dilemma, then I cannot have any sort of rational and intelligent conversation with you. Not only that, but if you can't do such a thing, how will you come to understand that I can? You will assume that any notion I play with is something I actually believe, you will make false assumptions about me, you will never learn anything real about who I am.

How can I explain the concept of the Blue Car Universe to someone who can not comprehend the notion that each of us lives in a separate distinct reality, one that overlaps and is only defined by how it relates to each others comparative versions? If I see a blue car and you see a blue car, then together we have a reality with a blue car, but if we add a third person who is colorblind, our practical reality, the one we have to work with, what does that become? If we add a blind person and a synesthete, now what do we have? First off, we have more people who DON'T see a blue car than DO, so does that make the car no longer blue? Obviously, the actual color blue is a visual wavelength, but if no one can see it, let's say everyone is colorblind, what does blue mean on a practical level? I deal with these kinds of "practical realities" on a daily basis, the idea that my particular worldview contains random flotsam not encountered in the majority of humanity's everyday life. This is how I've used my intelligence to cope with an erratic, malfunctioning brain. If you cannot grasp this concept (and I have friends who cannot), I'm not sure I can continue to attempt the explanation. Forget what is 'really real' here, I'm going for what is real on the practical, have to deal with it on the everyday level.

Wed, May. 8th, 2013 04:20 pm (UTC)

You should consider moving to Montana.