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Sat, Nov. 30th, 2013, 11:48 am
How Much Slack Do I Give A Man?

So I remember deciding I should go to bed, but don't remember actually going there. I woke up still wearing my "outside hoodie" that I apparently didn't take off.

I DO remember BEING in bed, on my back, because a couple days ago S/o and I were discussing snoring, and he said sometimes I do snore, but only when I pass out flat on my back. I don't normally sleep on my back. I told him that must be either when I drank (which I don't do anymore b/c of these meds), or I passed out from my sleeping meds, because I am seriously not a snorer except when I'm uber-tired.

But last night, I remember being in the bed, on my back, and I could feel my mouth was open even though I wasn't snoring, and I was thinking "oh no I'm going to snore!" And somehow my brain kept wandering away, and then it would come back and I'd realize I was on my back all over again (thinking "oh no I'm going to snore"). And I kept thinking I should roll over, but I never did, I just finally drifted off to sleep. I don't know if I was snoring.

Yesterday S/o and I had a lovely discussion about spending more time together. And he promised me that no matter what, even if he went to bed late, he would set an alarm so that if I wanted to go to the pancake place I like, we could do that. Well, neither of us went to bed at a reasonable hour. (He said he would do that too, but also he said that even if he didn't, he would set that alarm.) And I looked at his clock this morning, and he didn't set that alarm after all. Which means there's a good chance he won't wake up in time for me to have pancakes unless I wake him up.

So now I'm kind of stuck. If my end goal were just pancakes, I'd certainly wake him up, but I'm not having that crazy "I NEED PANCAKES STAT!" craving like I was yesterday. And he did do the laundry, which was really nice of him (although, technically, it's also his job to do the laundry, because that's really hard on me). But it's still nice that he does it whatever the reason is, and he did it without me having to have a giant meltdown all over him. So he gets props for doing his job "with a will". And hell, he even put the stuff up in the kitchen after I passed out, which is totally MY job to do and I passed out from my meds instead of doing it, so he gets extra crazy points for doing my job too.

I guess the real question is, how much of a break do I give him? By not setting his alarm, it says to me that he really doesn't care about spending time together, he was just doing that so I wouldn't bitch. I think a great deal of his life in general, but also our relationship, is just him doing the minimum of what he has to do to keep folks from bitching or being actively upset. I can sit around for months and just be vaguely unhappy with the way things are going, and he doesn't even seem to notice, so long as I'm not actively showing my upset by yelling or crying. I guess it's hard when you live with a naturally depressive person, to tell when they are just being them or when they are being unhappy with the relationship.

He's still one of the kindest, most generous people I know. He is certainly the smartest, and he's also an awesome socializer for a smart person (most folks who are nerdy smart are awkward to talk to). He doesn't do large crowds well, but he can handle small groups. But he's so introverted, he would be happy if we never even spoke to one another. If I stayed at my desk in the living room, and he stayed in his office, to him that's as "together" as we need to be, just knowing I'm somewhere in the vicinity, even if we don't say two words to each other all day long. And I'm an extrovert, that's why I own the living room and he has his office retreat. I can fill the living room with people any time I want, and he's allowed to run away to his office because he's not ready to deal with people at that time, which is admittedly most of the time.

But for the first two years or so, he had all this spare time, and he used to spend it all WITH ME. In fact, he's one of the few people on earth I can spend days and days with joined at the hip and not want to strangle them. I've even dated folks that I couldn't spend more than 2 days with before I needed a break; we couldn't do a whole weekend of nothing but together-time. And then suddenly our dreams changed too. We used to dream about moving, first to NYC and then to California, only now he doesn't want to live in NYC at all, he wants to go straight to California and I don't. And for awhile, he wanted to go to Vancouver instead of California--he may still want that, but it's not even in the same country and I don't want to live in Canada. He used to do all these little nice things for me. If I had to go somewhere and it was raining, he'd give me a lift the four blocks to the metro station, so at least I wouldn't have to do that segment in the rain. He'd take me to dance class and sit around for the hour I was there. He doesn't do doctor appointments though, because hospitals make him panicky. If I'd gone on some kind of drug binge and sobered up and felt depressed and stupid and just wanted to come home, he'd come and pick me up. Nowhere in the city is more than a 30 minute drive away, and before they took out giant tumor where my intestines were bleeding, going out and getting high was pretty much the only thing that stopped the pain. I don't use drugs at home or bring any paraphernalia into my house. The metro in DC closes after midnight on weekdays, and taxis don't go into those neighborhoods.

Now if I go out like that, I have to spend the night in one of a couple of spots. They're usually fairly safe as regards to getting bothered by other users, but many are "hot" houses so one could always be busted if they get raided. They are ALWAYS dirty, sometimes to the point of being bug infested, generally uncomfortable (like sleeping on a couch, in a chair, or on the floor--they may be uncomfortably hot or cold as well), and not all of them have plumbing. Which means you're either pissing in a bucket or holding it all night long, and there's nothing to drink, not even tap water. If I can manage a cab or someone to give me a ride home, he'll get cash from the ATM to pay the cab, but he won't come get me. Now if I have to go to an appointment somewhere and it's raining, well...I'm going to get wet walking to the metro. I've asked him to join me in my Wednesday night stretch class (if I go back) but he's said flat out "no way". We don't watch movies together, but mostly because we hate the same movies. Then again, sometimes I'll find out about some movie (I usually discover them on Netflix), only to hear that he watched it ages ago on his computer in his office. He doesn't even tell me what movies he's going to watch, so we might watch them together.

We just keep growing apart. I MISS him. Which is stupid if you think about, missing your own S/o when you live together even. But with the job, and the studying, I spend almost zero time with him.

He used to take better care of his appearance, especially when we go out. He still does on the extremely rare occasions he goes to see old friends, but not for me. I'm lucky if he bathes and brushes his teeth. And now, of course, he has a job where he doesn't work from home on some days, so it's slacks and button-up shirts or polos, and certainly a shower, but I still don't get those things. I fall below work, of course, but I also fall below his friends. Sure, there are many, many times when I go out in sweats with him, especially now that I have CFS and I gained all that weight from my meds, and just getting out of the house is a ridiculous chore. But sometimes it would just be nice to get dressed up a little bit and go somewhere nice and eat good food and spend some quality time together. I still care about my appearance, that's why I asked to get off the weight gaining med and I'm trying to at least get in the recommended exercises that are okay for folks suffering from fibro. But he simply won't do anything. He's "got the girl" so now it's okay not to care about how you look, and I'm supposed to jump into bed with him, overcome by lust, just because he happened to take a shower that day.

So a part of me is like, "wake him up, and go get pancakes. Never mind that you're disappointed. Just swallow that down and make the best of it."
And the rest of me is saying, "you shouldn't have to wake him up. He should have set that alarm. If it was important to him, he would have, but he didn't. Don't wake him up. If he doesn't wake up on his own, obviously it doesn't mean enough for him to actually do what he said he would do. In which case, you have a legitimate right to be really upset with him. It's not your job to carry out both sides of this relationship. If he can't pull his side, to hell with him. And if this shit continues, all this work and studying so "we can be rich" or whatever puttering he's doing which I never actually see amounting to anything, even if it does work, well he can go be rich and single, or rich with someone else.

I mean, criminy, even an abusive S/o can keep up with the promise of "I'll do better" for ONE DAY.

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